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Stop Blaming Yourself for Getting Cancer!

Stop Blaming Yourself for Getting Cancer!

You gotta stop blaming yourself for getting cancer. Seriously, if you’re doing that, or ever have, stop!

If  you’ve been diagnosed with any serious illness, you probably have asked, why me? You might’ve wondered if something you did or did not do was partly to blame for your predicament.

The blame game is pointless, unhelpful and potentially harmful.

Now there is more scientific evidence to back up the random nature of many cancers. So, again, stop blaming yourself!

Easier said than done, though, right?

People like to have answers as to why bad stuff, including cancer, happens. 

But sometimes there just aren’t any.

Many in Cancer Land, including me, are weary of the blame game. We get tired of people, books and articles claiming to have the secrets to cancer prevention. We get tired of feeling badly for being made to feel we ate the wrong foods, didn’t exercise enough, didn’t watch our weight carefully enough or whatever else we did not do right.

You might think since I’ve got the BRCA mutation to blame for my breast cancer, I’d never need to ask, why me?

But you’d be wrong.        why me?

The fact is, not everyone who is BRCA+ gets cancer. My mother wasn’t diagnosed until she was in her seventies, so what did I do wrong that she didn’t do?

Probably nothing.

But, I still sometimes blame myself.

I figure it must be those extra pounds I carried around for years after baby number three. Or maybe it was because I had kids at an older age. Or I didn’t breastfeed long enough. Or I breastfed too long. Or because I got my period at a young age. Or because I didn’t exercise hard enough or eat enough veggies. And on and on. I’ve covered all the possible reasons why in my head many times.

And then there’s my recent skin cancer diagnosis. Compared to my siblings, I probably spent the least amount of time in the sun over the years, and I never once stretched this body out in a tanning bed.

And yet…I was diagnosed with cancer #2 last summer.

You can go crazy if you try to assign a specific reason for every bad thing that happens.

Everything does not happen for a reason. Sometimes, maybe it is just bad luck.

At the risk of over-simplifying and based on what we currently know (not enough), cancer happens due to three things:  genetic factors, environmental factors and random factor(s). And of course, there can be a mix of all these factors coming into play.

This explains why in a family like mine, the odds of getting cancer are not only impacted by the hereditary factor, but environmental factors and the random factor(s) still matter, too. This also explains why not all who are BRCA+ end up getting cancer.

That recent study suggests that many cancers might be random DNA mishaps, in other words, bad luck. Cells are constantly multiplying and therefore, the chance of “typos” or replication errors happening makes a lot of sense.

Of course, this does not mean risk reduction efforts, early detection and so on aren’t important, or that we can all just throw our hands up in the air and say, it doesn’t matter what we do regarding lifestyle and such.

Not true. It all matters. All the influencing factors matter.

I’d add, the study again reminds us just how much we still do not know about cancer, including why some of us develop it and most do not.

Back to that blame game thing…

Even though deep down, study or no study, everyone has always realized we are all at risk, to one degree or another, for getting cancer. However, there is still a blame game that goes on, and there are different levels of blame.

For example, there is more shock and therefore less blame, when a healthy-appearing person who’s seemingly done everything right develops cancer than when a smoker or an obese person does, is there not?

Think about all those celebrity stories. Like this one. (See what I mean? More shock, less blame and also a fair amount of arrogance, IMO)

And we all know the first question anyone diagnosed with lung cancer is likely asked is, did you smoke?

And there are those other pesky “did you” questions my friend the Cancer Curmudgeon wrote about, ‘cuz there must be something you did to deserve cancer.

If you’re a person who did everything right health-wise, “you’re not supposed to get cancer” but if you smoke, don’t always eat right or exercise enough, sat in the sun too long and too often or whatever, well then, it’s sorta implied getting cancer is at least to some extent, your own fault.

Blame game! 

Cancer is bad enough without assigning blame or trying to figure out what you did or did not do to deserve it. That is a waste of energy.

No one deserves it. I repeat, no one.

Do not blame yourself for getting cancer.

Don’t do that. Just do not.

I’ll try not to do it, too.

If applicable, do you sometimes blame yourself for getting cancer?

Do you ever get asked any of those “did you” questions?

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Stop Blaming Yourself for Getting Cancer! It's not your fault. #cancer #breastcancer #hereditarycancer

Mary Ireland

Wednesday 8th of November 2023

Hi, Nancy,

When I was dignosed with breast cancer, I learned that my cousin's daughter had bc seven years prior, at age 42. When I spoke to her on the phone, she said that she felt betrayed by her body, because she "had done everything right": active lifestyle, exerciser, hiker, all-organic food eater, bootcamp enthusiast.

In other words, she thought, like most people, that she got bc because of something she did or didn't do, some critical slip-up in her guaranteed good health regimen.

When things are out of our control or understanding, we have to feel better about it and ourselves, so we need a scapegoat. We see this in daily, personal, social, and political life, this need to blame our guilt and fear onto the back of someone or something we select for that purpose.

Despite the fact that we STILL do not know what causes bc, we like to think we do. Ideally, it is caused by outside factors; really, it is caused by one of our own cells inexplicably turning cancerous, multiplying, spreading, and turning our lives upside down.

Does that mean it is my own fault that I have rogue cells that grew into cancer? No, it does not. But until we find the cause of bc, we will continue to blame whatever straw we personally or - as a society - grasp.

Easier said than done, isn't it? Do I still wonder when cancer started in my left breast? Yes, I do, even though there is no answer. Was it in 2018 when I inexplicably lost almost 15 pounds? Why did I have a "normal" mammogram up to and including 2021 but had bc in 2022?

All those thoughts, blame, and doubts can drive you crazy. I don't have a lab, hindsight, or crystal ball to divine the answer. Certainly, I think about it, but I don't dwell on it. I need to expend my energy on today and the future.

Nancy

Thursday 16th of November 2023

Mary, We do like to have something or someone to blame when things go wrong. I think it's human nature to wonder and ask, why me? Regarding a cancer diagnosis. The cause of BC is thought to be a combo of hereditary factors, environmental factors, and sheer randomness. That last one covers a lot of ground! Thank you for your astute comments.

Tracy

Friday 28th of January 2022

Loved reading this. I try not to blame myself. I was put on an estrogen patch after my hysterectomy. Reassured many times it does NOT cause breast cancer. And I needed to keep taking it. I kept having the dose reduced and was told I was on a lower dose than if I still had my ovaries. So I was confident I was doing the right thing by staying on the patch. 3 1/2 years ago — lobular breast cancer. Kind of hard not to blame myself. But I’m trying not to.

Thank you for this wonderful site. I have learned so much.

Nancy

Tuesday 1st of February 2022

Tracy, I understand how you might want to blame yourself, but it's not your fault. There are so many factors that likely come in to play whenever a person develops cancer, and this was likely the case for you too. I still sometimes blame myself, too, even with the darn mutated brca gene. Self-blame helps nothing. I hope you're doing well. I'm so glad to hear you loved reading this one. Thank you for sharing.

Lennox

Tuesday 18th of April 2017

This is such an important topic and one you can drive yourself crazy with. I totally agree with Beth. I got cancer when I was in the best shape of my life. I was an athlete, I ate right, never smoked, never drank or did drugs and no family history. According to the medical community I shouldn't have gotten cancer - yet I did. I liked what a radiologist told me when I questioned "what did I do to get cancer". "Stop, right there", she said. "This is a no - blame disease and is NOT your fault". It was such a relief to have a medical professional tell me that. It's still very hard not to play the blame game though. I find when people learn I've had cancer they automatically start probing for reasons, thus feeding the blame beast that is inside me. It's hard letting go of blame when society won't let you.

Nancy

Wednesday 19th of April 2017

Lennox, I love the way your radiologist thinks! How wonderful she said that to you. I agree, it can be hard to stop playing the blame game partly because as you mentioned, society doesn't let us. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic.

Beth L. Gainer

Monday 17th of April 2017

Hi Nancy,

Ah, the old blame game. That is society's fault because that's all people do: blame each other for something beyond our control. Somehow we all get the subtle message that if you eat right, exercise, and are fit, you will ward off disease. That's what I thought when I was younger. I didn't do drugs, ate right, exercised, and was a doctor's dream of the ideal patient. And I got cancer anyway. I used to blame myself somewhat, wondering if the stress of my marriage and other life stressors caused the cancer, but I decided I shouldn't go there anymore. Great post, Nancy!

Nancy

Wednesday 19th of April 2017

Beth, Good for you for deciding not to go there anymore. Usually I am successful at not blaming myself, but not all the time, that's for sure. And on top of everything else, there's the blame I place on myself for not having the genetic testing done earlier and then going the prophylactic route. But we all know what they say about hindsight. Thank you for reading and for commenting, too.

Cancer Curmudgeon

Sunday 16th of April 2017

Thank you so much for the shout out Nancy--as you know this is a touchy subject for me. I still do blame myself at times. During treatment, I got a little pre-occupied with trying to figure out the specific moment the cell division went haywire. I kept thinking it was this very stressful time frame that April 2010. I went so far as to ask the oncologist but he said the tumor had likely been growing for over a year, maybe 2. So I tried to let that go. Then there are those magazine covers--eat blueberries/lemons/tomatoes/whatever to prevent cancer! It is so pervasive, this personal responsibility and control obsession. We just cannot believe "things just happen". well, you know what I think. This is still a topic that makes me very upset. Anyway--thanks for another excellent post! I suppose this topic is one we will never "finish" with....xoxox

Nancy

Monday 17th of April 2017

CC, There are so many topics we'll never be finished with. Sad, but true. I thought your "did you?" post was spot on. So I had to include it in this one I wrote. That blame game continues, which is why that recent study was nice for many to read. Thank you for reading and sharing some thoughts.