There are lessons to be learned every day. There are lessons to be learned in everything. We learn from everything we experience, even the bad stuff.
There’s a reason for that old phrase live and learn.
Shortly after my mother died from metastatic breast cancer, I started a list of things I learned from the whole experience of loss. Doing so was actually sort of out of character for me as I’m not a list person, as hubby will attest to. I rarely make lists other than for when I go to the grocery store. Not sure exactly what this says about me…
This is the first installment of some of the lessons I’ve learned from loss; few if any, are new and certainly none are profound. It’s more the act of stating them that matters. And this list is entirely random. There’s no hierarchy of loss lessons learned, or if there is, I have yet to figure that out.
Lessons Learned From Loss – List #1
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It will start to hurt less eventually.
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You don’t have to finish grieving.
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You might not even want to finish grieving.
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You might cry more than fellow grievers, or less.
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Regrets are pretty much a waste of time and energy.
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Nurses and aides (good ones) are truly angels and deserve thank yous.
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It’s a tremendous honor and privilege to “help” someone you love die.
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Your presence and compassion are the greatest gifts to give a dying person.
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It’s okay to cry.
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It’s okay not to cry.
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Some doctors are wonderful and some are barely adequate; this is just a fact.
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No one prepares you for loss and most choose not to talk about it.
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Allowing pets in nursing homes is one of the best ideas ever.
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Sometimes just being there is enough.
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Silence is vastly under-rated.
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Some things are not meant to be fixed.
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Memories are treasures of the heart.
I found the process of making my own lessons learned from loss list to be quite therapeutic. There’s something about writing stuff down that’s very validating and healing. This is why I decided to share some of my list with you; more lessons learned to come later.
If you’ve experienced a loss recently, or even not so recently, why not give making a lessons learned from loss list a try? (It’s sort of a tongue twister isn’t it? Sorry about that!)
What’s a lesson you’ve learned from loss?
Have you ever felt as if you were doing grief “all wrong”?
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Casey
Great post, Nancy!
From my experiences, I’ve learned that it’s possible to ‘expect’ all you like about grief, it’s never going to be in line with those expectations. As a result of my own expectations, I frequently feel as though I’m doing grief all wrong. Although now I’m trying to deal with it.
Take care,
Casey
Nancy
Casey, You’re so right about the expectations. Grief is very unpredictable isn’t it? I’m sorry you’ve often felt as if you were doing it all wrong because of course you weren’t. I’m glad to hear you are dealing with things better. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for commenting.
Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC
This is a terrific post, Nancy, and I’ve added a link to it at the base of a piece that is posted on my own blog. You and your readers may find that post to be of interest, too: “Voices of Experience: What I’ve Learned from Grief,” http://j.mp/pxcNlf
Nancy
Marty, Thanks for your kind words and thanks for sharing your link. Experience in grief isn’t experience anyone wants, but like most experience it’s worthy of sharing isn’t it? Thanks for doing just that.
Dianne Duffy
Nancy,
Your list is right on!
The only other bit of wisdom I have learned is that if your child dies, you should not expect to get comfort from your spouse – they are grieving too. You need outside help, not necessarily professional.
I have been going through a book called “The Grief Recovery Handbook”. It actually contains several of the points that you have listed. It has been immensely helpful. I would strongly recommend it for anyone dealing with any kind of loss – not just loss of a loved one.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Dianne
Nancy
Dianne, I’m glad you liked this list. The bit of wisdom you added about losing a child is certainly correct. I hope this doesn’t mean you have lost a child, Dianne. I have not, but I know individuals who have, and that loss is like no other…Thanks for the book suggestion. It sounds really helpful.
Lindsay
I think your “regrets are pretty much a waste of time” point is a good one.
Nancy
Lindsay, Thank you. Probably always true, right?
Lois Hjelmstad
One thing I learned through several courses of grief is that while other people bringing food and running errands is nice, it really doesn’t lessen grief in any way. This has freed me from thinking I need to rush in and “help” when there is a death. Grief is essentially a do-it-yourself job.
Nancy
Lois, That’s a really excellent point. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Jan Baird Hasak
As someone who has faced way too many losses in her life, I can say that I’ve learned that I must go on and live my life to the utmost. Sometimes I hear my mother’s voice approving of the house I just bought and how I am taking care of myself as a single person again. I can hear her cheering me on as I go through these grueling cancer treatments. Her voice keeps me moving in the right direction. Thanks for listing these. I look forward to your further lists. xo
Nancy
Jan, You have had some terrible losses, Jan, and I’m so sorry. Your mother’s voice and ongoing support, though she’s no longer with you physically, must mean an awful lot. Remember many others are also in your cheering section, including me. Thanks for commenting. And yes, more lists are to come!
Beth L. Gainer
This is an excellent list, Nancy. Everything on there really rings true. I’ve learned a lot from loss as well, not only loss by death, but by divorce, which is a type of death, and the losses associated with cancer and its treatment.
One thing I’ve learned is that there is no one way to grieve, which is what you do cover at the top of your list. Everyone handles it so differently, and there’s no “right” way to grieve.
Thank you for sharing your list; I look forward to other lists from you. I will say, I keep a daily to-do list, mainly because I like checking off the items one by one.
Nancy
Beth, I’m sorry about all of your losses and yes, you’re so right about divorce being a kind of death too. There is absolutely no right way to grieve and that’s really important to remember, especially in our society where it often seems grief is something to hurry up and get over. Thanks for commenting, Beth.
Harriet Hodgson
Thank you for this post, your brevity, and your wisdom. After losing four family members within nine months, and becoming the legal guardian of my twin grandchildren, I discovered I was stronger than I thought. Talk about a life lesson!
Nancy
Harriet, Thanks so much for your kind words, Harriet. They mean an awful lot coming from you – I’m familiar with some of your writing. I’m very sorry for those unspeakable losses you’ve endured, so very sad. And you’re right about the life lesson you learned about strength. Thanks again for commenting.
Lisa Greaves
Maybe you should make lists more often, Nancy–this is a great one. I would add that it’s okay to be happy while you’re grieving. I wrote a poem after my cousin died about longing for the moment when that person is not your every thought–and the emotions that follow when that happens. This is a great post and topic.
Nancy
Lisa, Well, I imagine there will be a few more lists coming from time to time! Thanks so much for saying you liked this one. I love what you added to this list and I completely agree. That’s actually on my next list. It’s absolutely okay to be happy and laugh while grieving. I’m glad to hear you turned to writing poetry after your cousin’s death. Writing is a wonderful outlet isn’t it? Thank you very much for adding to this discussion, Lisa.
Laura
This list really rang true for me. Thank you for posting this.
Nancy
Laura, Your words mean a lot. Thank you.
Alli
I’m not sure if there were any lessons learned apart from the fact is is all about the dying process. Grief is normal Each one does what’s comfortable for him/herself depending who the person is you are grieving
Love Alli xx
Nancy
Alli, Grief is a normal reaction to loss and each of us deserves to move through it in whatever manner works best. You’re so right. Thank you for commenting.