Cancer-Related Survivor Guilt

There are many reasons and traumas that result in people suffering from survivor guilt. Some of these traumas include war, shootings, natural disasters, automobile or airplane crashes, terrorist attacks, and more. This post focuses specifically on cancer-related survivor guilt.

If you’re a person who’s heard those words, you have cancer, you have likely experienced at least moments of survivor guilt from time to time and are not at all surprised to know many other Cancer Havers deal with it as well.

If you have not heard those three thorny words, you might be surprised to realize that many cancer survivors grapple with feelings of survivor guilt when in remission — or even when not.

And, it doesn’t matter what stage you’re diagnosed at.

If you’re an early stager, you might feel survivor guilt because you don’t feel you have or had it as bad as others diagnosed at later stages. If you have metastatic disease, you might feel survivor guilt because you wonder why you’re still here while many around you have died or are rapidly declining.

I’m wondering what YOUR relationship with survivor guilt is like. Be sure to share in the comments at the end of this post.

Since so many of us deal with survivor guilt, I wanted to write about it in my latest book, Emerging: Stories from the Other Side of a Cancer Diagnosis, Loss, and a Pandemic.

I’m sharing an excerpt with you today. I hope you enjoy it and will share about your relationship with survivor guilt in the comments.

SURVIVOR GUILT

(from Part 1, CANCER)

Survivor guilt is common in Cancer Land. Sometimes, you wonder why you’re still here when so many others, often with similar initial diagnoses to yours, are not. Adding guilt into the crapshoot is unhelpful and unnecessary. Nonetheless, add it in we do.

I’m now thirteen years out from Diagnosis Day. Thirteen years. A decade plus three more years. That’s a decent chunk of time. Some Cancer Havers would be ecstatic with another thirteen years; it be almost like winning the lottery.

When you first hear the dreaded words, you have cancer, you immediately become inundated with appointments, procedures, scans and treatment decisions. You and your team devise A Plan. A Plan spells out what to do and when to do it. You follow A Plan and hope for the best.

Why do some Plans work while others do not?

Others in my shoes also had A Plan, followed A Plan, but nonetheless, did not survive. My own mother did not survive, and she had A Plan. I’ve had a dozen+ years post diagnosis. She had only four. Why? Her cancer recurred, and mine, so far, has not. Why? She died from her breast cancer; so far, I’m still here. Why?

So yeah, survivor guilt creeps in.

Of course, there are no answers as to why some survive and others do not. So, before you let survivor guilt, or any sort of guilt, get out of hand, stop and ask yourself if what you feel guilty about was something out of your control. If it was, you have to let it go. Easier said than done, I know.

If that something was in in your control, maybe what you really feel is regret. Either way, it’s probably time to stop beating yourself up about the past. Fretting about the future too much likely isn’t all that helpful either.

All we have is today. We have to make the most of it. After all, living our best lives is how we honor those who don’t survive.

If you are dealing with survivor guilt, you are not alone.

Remember, none of this is your fault, and ultimately, much in Cancer Land is completely out of our control.

After all, everything about cancer is sort of a crap shoot, is it not?

And no one is responsible for anyone else’s outcome. Sometimes, too often in fact, things are just downright random and unfair.

For example, if you’re BRCA+ like me, you might experience feelings of guilt for passing a known elevating risk factor for developing cancer on to your children.

If you’ve finished active treatment, or even if you haven’t, you might have feelings of guilt thinking there might’ve been something you did or did not do to cause your cancer.

You might want to read: Stop Blaming Yourself for Getting Cancer.

You might also think, gee, I’m still here. Am I supposed to be doing something more — whatever that means — with my life?

You might want to read: You Don’t Have to Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro — the Pressure to Be an Over-achieving Cancer Patient.

So, yeah, survivor guilt can rear its head and cause considerable angst.

I’m here to remind you that none of this cancer crap is your fault.

So, be kind to yourself. Ditch the guilt. It’s a waste of time and energy anyway.

Again, as I wrote in Emerging, remembering the following helps me deal with survivor guilt:

“All we have is today. We have to make the most of it. After all, living our best lives is how we honor those who don’t survive.“

Maybe it’ll help you too.

Do you sometimes experience feelings of survivor guilt — cancer related or otherwise?

What sort of thing triggers your feelings of survivor guilt?

How do you cope when these feelings arise?

Click on the image below to read a sample and then, order your copy of EMERGING today!