Grief and the holidays, 10 tips that might help.
This year is the seventh holiday season in which I no longer have a living parent. It’s still hard. It still hurts. I know I am lucky because I have many wonderful memories. But it’s still hard. I’m supposed to have moved on. I’m supposed to be done grieving by now.
Grief and cancer are weird like that. People give you time for the messy parts, the high-intensity parts, and then one day things are pretty much supposed to be back to normal. You are supposed to be back to normal.
It’s almost like the more quickly you “finish up” cancer (yeah, we know better, right?) or finish up grieving, the better job you are perceived to be doing at handling them. After all, we live in a hurry up sort of world.
What complete bullshit though. You don’t just wake up one day and put either one of these life-changing experiences behind you. Neither are that tidy.
Grief and cancer are both things I’ll never just be done with for too many reasons to go into here.
Grief (and cancer) makes people uncomfortable. And most people avoid being uncomfortable, especially around the holidays.
Every holiday season I get emails and/or comments on old blog posts I’ve written on grief from people who’ve recently experienced the death of a loved one.
A common thread in the messages is that the individuals have no idea how to face, much less enjoy, the holidays. They often say things like, I don’t know how I’m going to get through the holidays, or I can’t tell you how much I am dreading the holidays this year.
So what are you supposed to do when it’s the holidays, but you are grieving?
I wish I had the answers, but of course, I don’t. No one does.
However, I have found a few things that help. Sometimes. But only sometimes because sometimes nothing helps. Sometimes, you just have to ride the waves of grief.
If you’re grieving this holiday season, I hope these ten tips help just a bit. Share any advice you have down in the comments. You never know who you might be helping get through a difficult time, so thank you in advance.
Grief and the holidays – 10 tips that might help
1. First and foremost, honor your grief.
Don’t try to fake it, at least not all the time. That’s far too exhausting and doesn’t work anyway. And remember everyone grieves differently which is a wonderful thing, but also potentially frustrating because often it seems others are doing a far better job than you are. Grieve your way and remember there’s no time table. There just isn’t.
2. Talk about your loved one, even if it makes you sad, even if it makes others sad or uncomfortable.
It’s okay if the tears start flowing. Sometimes you have to cry before you can laugh. Or vice versa.
3. Ask for help.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, or better yet, before you’re feeling overwhelmed, ask for help with the shopping, cooking, baking, decorating, card writing, cleaning, gift wrapping, dog grooming or whatever tasks you would like to get done, but just can’t handle on your own this year.
4. Or better yet, cut back on all of the stuff and all of the doing.
Do what you can. It’ll be enough. Really it will be.
5. Get out and do something for someone else.
And it needn’t be anything big. Maybe just deliver some cookies (store bought are fine) to an elderly person on your street. Offer to babysit. Or walk someone’s dog. Or take someone to a movie. It’s the getting out and doing parts that matter, not so much what you’re doing.
6. Make a donation.
Donate in your loved one’s name to a charity, cause or institution your loved one cared about or that you think they would care about. There’s a reason for all those plaques hanging on walls in such places.
7. Light a candle and think about the wonderful memories you have of your loved one. Or decorate a tree just for your loved one.
Having a concrete object or place to “put” your grief can be helpful. Some people even set up a grief room. Do what works or might work for you.
8. Own your feelings.
State out loud how you’re feeling. Or write down your thoughts and feelings. Journaling can be a god-send. The important thing is to acknowledge your genuine thoughts and feelings. They are yours, so own them.
9. Take care of yourself.
You know the drill. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Exercise. Okay, try to do these things.
10. Finally, remind yourself that grief ebbs and flows too.
It’s perfectly fine to have moments of joy mixed with sadness and moments of sadness mixed with joy. Emotions are always jumbled after loss, during the holidays, even more so.
Never feel badly about grieving for your loved one or worry about spoiling the holidays. That would be like feeling badly for loving your dear one.
Because after all, grief is another form of love.
As always, be you. Be real.
It’s enough, even during the holidays, perhaps especially then.
What tip might you add?
Who are you missing this holiday season?
Do you ever feel pressured to put your grief behind you?
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Note from Nancy: I wrote about cancer language, cancer worry, survivor guilt, loss, pet grief, COVID-19, DIEP flap surgery, life as an introvert, aging, resiliency, and more in EMERGING. Available at Amazon and most other online booksellers. Click on the image below to order your copy today!
Carolyn Thomas
Wednesday 13th of December 2023
This is very timely and so important Nancy. One thing I might add to your excellent list of tips is "You don't have to do all the holiday traditions you've always done just because you've always been the one who did them." This goes even beyond just asking for help from others.
I worked in palliative care for many years - every November our bereavement counselors would host a free public 'tea and cookies' event to discuss this looming topic. Holiday celebrations are especially fraught for the newly-bereaved to face, especially all of the "firsts" - the first birthday, the first Mother's Day, the first Christmas, etc.
For example, it's a common tradition in many families that Grandma hosts Christmas dinner every year. Even newly bereaved widows often insist that they MUST host the big family dinner this year because that's always been the tradition in their family (all the kids, grandkids, assorted relatives all together around Grandma's table!) even though these women may be so overwhelmed and exhausted by their grief they can hardly get out of bed most days, never mind spending weeks planning/shopping/chopping/baking/cooking/decorating the house and then serving a big crowd - all because there's a date circled on the calendar making them feel like they MUST somehow set aside their grief to host a big party.
But this year it could look very different, and amazingly, the family will adapt and survive even if Grandma takes a complete break.
Funny story from one of our November events: two older widows started chatting over tea (they'd never met). One said, "I'm really dreading Christmas this year at my house. I just can't face it. What I'd really like to do is to fly to Hawaii for a week - which I've always wished I could do - but my husband hated flying." The other woman replied: "That's amazing! I was just thinking exactly the same thing - a week in Hawaii!" The two of them ended up going to Hawaii together that year (although some of their family members thought Grandma was crazy to fly off with a perfect stranger!)
We invited the two of them to speak to the November audience the following year to tell their unique story. They told us they'd had a wonderful week on the beach, walking, talking, laughing, crying, swimming in the ocean - but best of all they were able to spend time chatting with another person they suddenly had lots in common with.
And they had already booked another Christmas in Hawaii for that year, too!
Hugs, C.
Nancy
Thursday 21st of December 2023
Carolyn, Holiday celebrations can be tricky under the best of circumstances and bereavement adds many more layers of trickiness, for lack of a better way of putting it. So many families keep doing things the same way because of tradition, obligation, or whatever the case might be. Change is hard, and yet, often much needed. That's quite the story you shared. Working in palliative care must've been an interesting experience. I bet you saw a lot of family dynamics play out - some of it wonderful and some not so much. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and that funny story, too. Hugs back.
Ellen Tannenbaum
Wednesday 14th of December 2022
My SIL struggled with holidays, with memories of his mom who died young and now his grandmother who raised him afterwards and has passed away. We honor both by my continuing the couple of his favorite holiday activities of both with his kids/my grandkids.
Nancy
Wednesday 21st of December 2022
Ellen, It's lovely that you continue those meaningful, favorite activities. That's what the holidays are all about. Thank you for sharing.
Diane Smith
Wednesday 7th of December 2022
Thank you for this, on grief, Nancy. Mine goes on and on. My husband is suffering from severe dementia, which grows ever worse as time goes on. The person I was married to for 42 years is disappearing before my eyes. It is just dreadful. I had a double mastectomy for bilateral breast cancer seven years ago. No mets yet, but of course you never know. Also, I have aTTr-type congestive heart failure and a few other heart anomalies, and a pacemaker. So I'm quite challenged physically, and very tired. But nothing compares to this slow-motion loss of my husband. He is still here, but not. I try to see him almost every day, never knowing what I'll run into when I get there. He is in an assisted living facility and is unable to stand, walk, reason, read, listen, control some functions or remember much of anything. He's still here in a way, but I miss him terribly. I've been grieving since this started, almost 5 years ago. And yes, here come the holidays. I'm trying to put on a brave face for my family. Thanks for understanding, Nancy. Diane
Nancy
Wednesday 21st of December 2022
Diane, Thank you for sharing about your husband's dementia and it's impact on you both. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Dreadful indeed. Grieving can be so painful and so lonely. I'm glad to hear you found the article helpful. Please know I'll be thinking about you this holiday season and beyond. I hope there are moments for you to enjoy. Take care of yourself.
Julia
Wednesday 5th of December 2018
This is my 3rd set of holidays without my dad (as well as my mom, who died years ago). I'm getting used to it but that doesn't mean it's easy or anywhere near as happy and fun as before. It feels as though the center's been hollowed out somewhat.
The first Thanksgiving and Christmas after my mom died my dad wisely (but without really pointing it out) arranged for us to deviate from our usual holiday patterns. It really helped to not be facing doing the same things, in the same house, that we'd always done as an intact family. By the following year, while it was still wrenching, it felt o.k. to resume some of our traditions and patterns. I'll always appreciate Dad's insight in giving us that breathing space and helping all of us get through that first year. I would strongly recommend considering something similar to anyone in the same situation.
I've also learned that a death or serious illness in the family affects ALL family members (it's not just about me!) and not necessarily in the same way. Family dynamics can be thrown way out of whack in unexpected ways - relationships can be strained and everyone is in too much of their own pain to recognize what's going on with others in the family.
Having gone through that, I'd say don't put too much stock in anything said in anger or pain, don't write off any relationships and try not to take anything too personally. That sibling or adult offspring or whoever may be struggling with their grief and loss just as you are, but "coping" with it very differently. Give things time, stay kind and open and realize that equilibrium has been disturbed but can return eventually. Things will never be the same again but they can be good, albeit in a different way.
I, too, recommend looking for opportunities to be kind and generous of spirit. Putting something in the Salvation Army kettle, holding a door, sending someone a note, etc., will do us as much good as the recipient. When the world looks bleak and cold sometimes we have to be the light we need in the world.
Linda Boberg
Wednesday 5th of December 2018
Grief ebbs and flows. My parents are gone eight years now and little things will make me very sad all over again. My best friend's mother died last week. Our mothers weren't great friends, but knew one another because of our friendship. But I can't help thinking about mom while I am trying to support Mary. Also, a work colleague said to me "you've never been the same since your parents died. You need to get beyond it." when she was angry with me. I thought I was 'handling it' well. I blew up at her. Grief is not something that you can limit to a specific time or will away.
Nancy
Wednesday 5th of December 2018
Linda, Your work colleague's comment was very insensitive. Grief is not something you get over after a certain amount of time passes. It's understandable your best friend's recent loss of her mother stirred up a lot of emotions for you. Grief definitely ebbs and flows, sometimes taking us by surprise. Thank you for sharing.