I have written more than once about the “d” word avoidance our culture seems to practice. And when someone dies from cancer, I still say, it’s downright insulting to say so and so lost her battle with cancer. Irks the heck out of me. Do you ever wonder why so many work so hard to avoid using words like died, death, dying? I sure wonder.
And then there’s that phrase often used when a person (generally a woman, right?) dies that goes something like, so and so got her wings last night.
I mean, really?
Got her wings?
Every time I hear this particular phrase, I think about the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life. I love this movie. It’s one of my favorite holiday classics and Dear Hubby and I try to watch it every year. Even if you hate this movie or have never seen it, you likely know Clarence, an angel, gets his wings at the end of the movie. And yes, I think it’s sweet and all that, but it’s a movie. Sweet and sappy work in a movie.
When talking about real life and real death, saying someone got her wings, sounds flippant and annoying to me.
I suppose we say this sort of thing to take some of the heaviness out of the situation death. Saying, so and so got her wings, isn’t so dark, so bleak, so final, or something.
One of many from my angel collection
To be clear, I am certainly not implying others should not use this phrase if they want to. If the phrase makes you feel better, by all means, use it. I am merely sharing how hearing it makes me feel. And I am wondering if anyone else cringes when they hear it.
Maybe I’m just an oddball. (probably)
And btw, I love angels. I even have a collection of angel ornaments and figurines.
Dear Hubby and I have actually joked around about this. When I am being highly annoying (I know, hard to imagine, right?) he teases that should I die before him, he will say in my obituary that I lost my battle, or got my wings. Yes, we’re weird. I know.
As I’ve also written about before, when someone dies, why not just say the person died?
If the cause is known, why not just say what the person died from be it old age, a heart attack, cancer, a self-inflicted wound, a car accident, or whatever? And yes, saying a person took her/his own life is acceptable to say, too, or should be, because truth should always be acceptable, even when talking about death.
Perhaps especially then.
What do you think?
How do you react to the phrase, so and so got her wings?
Do you avoid using the “d” words or do you make a conscious effort to use them?
A NOTE FROM NANCY: Order my new book EMERGING: Stories from the Other Side of a Cancer Diagnosis, Loss, and a Pandemic, in print or for Kindle at Amazon. EMERGING is also available at most online booksellers such as: BAM, Bookshop.org, Barnes & Noble, and more. Reviews are greatly appreciated!
Don’t miss out. Sign up for news/emails from Nancy’s Point!
Shannon
Saturday 9th of March 2024
I find it very hurtful that you get so upset about the phrase. I lost my 5 month old daughter to SIDS, 14 months later I lost my 34 day old daughter also. As I had to give them both back to God that’s a feeling only a mother knows. Us mothers grieving the loss of a child is called an Angel Baby, Angels have wings(hypothetically) (You mentioned having several Angel knickknacks, I’m assuming they have wings attached to them or we wouldn’t assume they are Angels) it wasn't until our babies passed that they “gained their wings” that’s why we refer to our Angel Babies gaining their wings when their souls fly to Heaven. If you want to debate it biblically I’m a God Fearing Woman so I know scripture. The Bible has several examples of imagery related to wings, Feathers and birds. Ruth 2:12, Psalm 17:8, Psalm 57:1 emphasizing God‘s character as a protector, comforter, shelter, and strength. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler. 4 He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. He will cover you with his feathers. In We know that all children go to Heaven my daughters will always be my special guardian angels. Maybe it’s not so much the phrase you say in quote “ So Annoying to hear people say that” but your grief and the way you grieve. Everyone grieves differently there is no wrong or right way to Grieve and it’s not very nice to write a blog expressing your annoyance on how another person describes their loved one’s departure that’s literately 3 words GAINED HIS/HER WINGS. Why not do blogs about positive and influential subjects you wrote a book that seems positive and helpful to others, so why make people feel bad because now you’ve made me uncomfortable to use those terms because I don’t want somebody judging me and today is the 3 Year Death Anniversary of my 5 month old that’s passed on 3/9/21. Your article made my day a lot harder then it already was
Nancy
Sunday 10th of March 2024
Shannon, I'm sorry if my post was hurtful. My intent is never to cause someone pain. This post addresses adult deaths. Losing a child falls into a whole different category, and parents like you who experience this horrendous kind of loss should certainly frame the experience any way they choose. If you find comfort in those words, please know I respect that. I am so sorry you've had two children die. My deepest condolences. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Ann James
Wednesday 25th of October 2023
It doesn't annoy me at all..when my husband was dying (there's no other way to say it) he was in the other room and he called out to me..he was so weak, he called out my name a couple times. I came running in and I said what, what do you need? He was sitting on the edge of the bed? He said, "Can you help me put on my wings?" Your wings? Yes I'll help you!! So I picked up his wings of course that I couldn't see..and I placed them on his back. I said..oh wow, they're so beautiful, they're a beautiful gold. After I did that he layed back down in his bed. So when someone's says they have their wings...I think yes they sure do!! My husband definitely has his!! We were worship leaders, strong in faith..I don't understand a lot about the afterlife..I mean I do but not to the full extent. None of us will until we get there.
Nancy
Wednesday 25th of October 2023
Ann, What a beautiful story, and it's no wonder you feel the way you do. I certainly respect that. My sincere condolences to you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic.
Monica
Wednesday 17th of May 2023
Humans do not get wings when they die and do not become angels. I hate any saying that even suggests it.
Nancy
Wednesday 17th of May 2023
Monica, I'm with you.
Vanessa
Monday 18th of January 2021
Cancer killed my mom and I also despise when people say the battle was lost. To me it sounds like the deceased is being blamed for something they actually cannot control the outcome of. I like the wings phrase for my momma. We are catholic and enjoyed sharing our faith. However I never assume others have this cultural leaning, so I only use it when referring to my own mother. I too have noticed our society's reluctance to use the word death. I think its too naked that it seems irreverent. When I asked my boss for bereavement I said "my mom died". When she wrote back she was very kind and compassionate but used the regular euphemisms (loss, passing, etc). Interesting post. I'm glad you posed the question. It's interesting to see the variety of perspectives and explanations
Nancy
Thursday 21st of January 2021
Vanessa, I am so sorry about your mom. I understand your disdain for the "lost the battle" type phrase. Completely agree with your take on that. You might want to read: https://nancyspoint.com/stating-a-person-lost-herhis-battle-with-cancer-is-insulting/ Personally, I think society should stop with the "d" word avoidance. I thought the responses to my question were interesting too. Thank you for sharing your insights on this.
Vanessa
Monday 18th of January 2021
PS Now that we're examining euphemisms why does "taking one's life" not stir a similar reaction as "passing", "getting wings" or "losing the battle"? I think there really aren't good alternatives to the words death and suicide.
Ronald Purviance
Thursday 27th of August 2020
A customer at my job today said this about her brother "Got his wings" today. I started to say "Congratulations, is he Air Force or Navy?" when my coworker said "I'm sorry." I then realized what she meant. I had never heard that before. I assumed he became a pilot or aviator!
Nancy
Friday 28th of August 2020
Ronald, Well, why wouldn't you assume what you did? I'm certainly not a fan of that phrase. I know it works for some, but well, you read my post. Guess now you've heard 'this one' too. Thanks so much for reading and sharing.