So, when does positivity become toxic?
Good question, right?
This topic keeps resurfacing again and again in Cancer Land.
Most of us would probably say we are all for positive thinking. I certainly am. After all, no one wants to spend a lot of time around people who are negative all day long.
But in Cancer Land, there’s a line that too often gets crossed. This happens when well-meaning folks end up trying to make Cancer Havers feel better by downplaying or minimizing genuine feelings Cancer Havers may or may not be trying to express or just “sit with”.
Cancer is hard. Cancer is messy. It follows suit that genuine feelings about it would be messy and complicated too.
And for some reason, positivity pushing seems especially prevalent in Breast Cancer Land.
Love this quote from the late Barbara Ehrenreich:
Positive thinking seems to be mandatory in the breast cancer world, to the point of where unhappiness requires a kind of apology…
These words are also spot on and also from Barbara Ehrenreich:
The effect of all this positive thinking is to transform breast cancer into a rite of passage–not an injustice or a tragedy to rail against but a normal marker in the life cycle, like menopause or grandmotherhood. Everything in mainstream breast cancer culture serves…to tame and normalize the disease: the diagnosis may be disastrous, but there are those cunning pink rhinestone pins to buy and races to train for.
Amen!
Constantly pushing positive thinking can become unhelpful, hurtful, and maybe even harmful for the person on the receiving end of all that positivity pushing.
It might even become toxic.
Before we go any further, here are a few commonly tossed around examples of toxic positivity:
- Just try to look at the bright side.
- The silver linings are there if you look for them.
- God never gives you more than you can handle.
- You’ll be fine if you just think positive thoughts.
- You’re still alive, aren’t you?
- You’ve got this!
Such comments are like fingernails on a chalkboard. For me anyway.
You might want to read: What Does Telling a Cancer Patient to Just Stay Positive Really Mean? and/or Let’s Stop Telling Cancer Patients How to Feel!
This doesn’t mean folks who care about Cancer Havers have to walk around on eggshells.
No one wants that!
So again, when does positivity become toxic?
Where is that line?
That line varies for each of us, so there’s no tidy answer to when positivity becomes toxic across the board. (Dang, why aren’t there ever tidy answers?)
So, what’s a person who’s trying to support a person with cancer supposed to do?
Pretty simple. Take your cue from the person who has cancer (or who is experiencing any challenge). If you’re not sure or can’t get a read, ask her/him to share thoughts on the topic.
Or, just ask how they are really feeling and reassure them you won’t disappear — no matter what they tell you.
Still not sure what to say?
Then, it might be better to refrain from sounding like a member of the Positivity Police.
What does this mean?
Maybe it’s not so complicated.
For starters…
- Ditch the platitudes.
- Avoid at least statements. (Yeah, all of them.)
- Offer a gentle shoulder of comfort and a willingness to just listen.
- Encourage and accept, without judgment any and all feelings your friend or loved one shares with you.
- Tell them you love them, and will continue to love them, no matter what — and that you will stick around for the long haul.
If someone feels comfortable enough with you to share their inner-most thoughts, fears, and feelings, and you willingly stick around for all of it, that is truly special.
That is the opposite of toxic.
It’s love and compassion; that’s what that is.
And, regardless if you’re on the giving or receiving end, we can all use a little more of both.
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When, if ever, do you think positivity becomes toxic?
What’s an example of toxic positivity you’ve heard that drives you a little crazy?
EstherP
Wednesday 11th of October 2023
ah yes the power of positive thought - my last onco meeting when I asked for symptoms to look out for for recurrence/mets - the response was think positively! I didn't know that micro mets responded to positive thought and wouldn't do their thing - makes me so angry. I have some pretty bad SE from hormone suppression now, so have a difficult discussion coming up in November.
Nancy
Tuesday 24th of October 2023
Esther, I know that the think positive advice is supposed to be helpful, but man, talk about minimizing. Yeah, like positive thoughts keep mets at bay - so patronizing too. I'm sorry you have some pretty bad SEs from the hormone therapy drug you're taking. Believe me, I understand. Good luck with that upcoming difficult discussion. Don't hold back. Your issues need to be taken seriously and addressed. Thank you for sharing.
Beth Gainer
Saturday 23rd of September 2023
Nancy,
This post is spot-on. I've heard those platitudes, and they anger me to no end. In many cases, people have made light of my breast cancer. I've even had someone tell me, "Oh honey, you're not going to die." She was trying to reassure me. But epic fail.
Then, on the opposite spectrum, there are people who are overly negative, perhaps toxic negativity becoming a term. Once people found out I had cancer, they somehow felt obligated to tell me about all the people they knew who died of the disease. NOT HELPFUL.
I guess people are really uncomfortable with the messiness and hell of cancer. The best advice I could give them is for them to shut up and listen to what the person with cancer needs. Maybe say, "Is there anything you need?" or "If you need to talk, I'm always here."
Carol S
Thursday 27th of April 2023
Those are great reminders of "What Not to Say." I think the hard part is when someone who REALLY cares about you uses one of those expressions. If it's some nosey-parker, say from church, that's when I get really irritated at that person.
I think any of us with blogs about our cancer, no matter the stage, have written about the things people say to us. It's good to know we're not alone in being on the receiving end of those comments.
The absolute BEST thing a dear friend said to me when I told her I had progressed to Stage IV was, "Well, f@*k!" That made my day!
Thank you for writing about this!
Nancy
Friday 28th of April 2023
Carol, Love what your dear friend said. No wonder she made your day! Thanks for sharing.
Adrienne C Kushner
Wednesday 26th of April 2023
You are reading my mind again! It has been one year to the day when a chasm opened up and a cancer diagnosis pulled me in. I had great support from professionals and family so I feel I shouldn't complain. Suffering in silence and living the best that I can. Breastless but still breathing.
Nancy
Friday 28th of April 2023
Adrienne, No matter how much support you've had (or not had), you are entitled to all your feelings and to expressing them however you like. Speaking your truths is not complaining. No need to suffer in silence. You are seen and heard here. Thank you for your comments.
Mary Ireland
Wednesday 26th of April 2023
Thank you, Nancy! I would be rich if I was paid every time I heard, "You got this!" It makes me grind my teeth.
This ridiculous statement is supposed to be bracing encouragement. In reality, it makes me want to issue a scathing and probably hurtful rebuttal. I don't, because I know the person saying it means well and hopes that they are somehow offering me help and support, when they don't know what else to say or do. Similar to saying, "I am so sorry for your loss" at a funeral.
My mother was a fervent proponent of "the power of positive thinking," from its peak of popularity until her death in 2012. It was a sort of doctrine in our family which endures to this day.
So I understand the need to offer encouragement and support, but it would be so much more helpful to listen to me vent. Or talk to me about normal life events, not cancer.
Sometimes it is nice to take a break from the monkey on my back, because consciously or otherwise, I never forget that I had cancer, and at any point now or in the future, it could come back.
Maybe that is what drives the need to make you got this-type statements: the underlying belief that a momentary, negative thought will encourage the recurrence or metastasis of wily, lurking cancer cells. Don't jinx it, they are thinking.
But that means, doesn't it, that if we have a recurrence, it is somehow our fault, that we brought it on ourselves, that we are to blame? There has to be a scapegoat as long as the random ocurrence of cancer remains unexplained.
I am an optimist by nature, but I am enough of a realist to know that shit happens. That makes me angry, and sometimes it makes me sad or makes me cry. But I believe those are all healthy responses to a shitty situation.
Sometimes positivity is just wrong and I accept that. Even if I don't express each of my negative thoughts to my family, I express them in my journal.
Nancy
Friday 28th of April 2023
Mary, Can I just say, I love everything about your comments? So spot on. And, thank goodness for journals, right? Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this always timely topic.
Adrienne C Kushner
Wednesday 26th of April 2023
@Mary Ireland, I hear everything you said. They tell me that with time, I will get over having breast cancer. No, I will always have that shadow following me even on sunny days.