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When Your Mom Has Breast Cancer – A Guest Post

I’m pleased and excited to share a guest post by Dear Daughter. This guest post was an unexpected Christmas gift. (Thanks again, Lindsay!).Yes, she’s very thoughtful and yes, she’s a blogger like me. Or rather I’m a blogger like her. She started way before I did and is my go-to-person when I have blogging issues.

Check out her blog, That Mutt, when you get a chance.

It can be hard talking about what it’s like to have a member of your immediate family diagnosed with cancer. I know it wasn’t easy for Lindsay to witness her grandma’s experience with breast cancer and shortly thereafter, begin to witness mine as well. Thank you, Lindsay, for sharing a bit about what it’s been like for you “when your mom has breast cancer”.

When Your Mom Has Breast Cancer

by Lindsay Stordahl

My mom Nancy was diagnosed with breast cancer in April 2010. That month is a bit of a blur to me, but I definitely remember feeling terrified I could lose her. In case it might be helpful to others who have a parent diagnosed with cancer, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts about that time. 

Everyone will react differently when a parent is diagnosed with cancer. These are simply my thoughts and experiences. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section.

I believe in positive thinking.

I know my mom gets a little (okay, more than a little!) sick of all the talk about how people should maintain a positive attitude if diagnosed with cancer. This thinking implies that if someone dies from cancer, she wasn’t positive enough.

This is, of course, not true. People do not die from cancer because of a poor attitude or because they lost the battle. People die from cancer because cancer kills people. It’s still a deadly disease.

But as the daughter of someone diagnosed with cancer, I’d like to say that positive thoughts and prayers from others made a difference for me.

It helped to talk with each of my close friends individually. I told them what was going on and if they could please keep my mom in their thoughts. It helped me to know friends were thinking of her, and I believed their energy could help her in some small way.

I actually became a little obsessed with the idea, thinking the more positive thoughts and prayers I asked for, the more positive energy the universe would send my mom. I’m not at all religious, but when she was diagnosed with cancer, I needed to turn outward for help. It made me feel less alone.

Family members will all react differently.

Unless your family has been through something similar before, you won’t know how each person will react to a cancer diagnosis until it happens. This is difficult for families because each person handles and processes the information differently.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with cancer. There is just the right way for each person.

For me, it was frustrating when my parents would temporarily withhold information from my brothers and me. They were most likely doing so to protect us, but not knowing the answers that they already knew was more frustrating, hurtful and distracting to me than hearing the truth. I like people to be upfront and honest right away, but that’s not always how parents or other family members choose to respond.

Looking back, I now realize my parents had every right to tell my brothers and me whatever information they wanted at whatever time they wanted to. I’m sure they had to process certain information as a couple first, and that’s something I understand a little better now that I’m also married.

Friends will say the wrong things. Count on it.

I received comments like:

“At least she’ll get a boob job out of the ‘deal’.” And, “Will she go bigger?” And, “At least she’ll get a new ‘set.’”

No one was trying to be rude, but these types of comments were/are obviously insensitive and not well thought out. So, think before you speak!

I never reacted defensively to these comments because I could see my friends were trying to help. I generally chose to simply respond with, “Well, that’s not really what she’s concerned about at the moment.”

“How’s your mom?” typically means, “How’s your mom, considering she had cancer?”

I like it when people ask me how my mom is doing today; however, it’s sort of a strange question because they don’t really just mean, How’s your mom? 

No, they really mean, How’s your mom, considering she had cancer?

This isn’t necessarily good or bad. It just is. And I do appreciate it when my friends ask about my mom. It’s just one of the things cancer has changed.

Keeping this in mind, here’s some advice on how to show a friend you care.

Obviously, cancer is an uncomfortable topic to bring up, so most people did not ask me how my mom was doing while she was going through treatment. I understood why they didn’t ask, but it was still disappointing at times.

So, if you have a friend whose parent recently received a cancer diagnosis (or even not so recently), I recommend you go ahead and ask that friend how his or her parent is doing.

Who cares if it’s awkward?

Life is full of awkward moments. At least you’re showing you care.

Perhaps the easiest way to show you care is simply to make a statement rather than ask a question.

For example, instead of asking, how’s your mom doing? you could say, I’ve sure been thinking about your mom. And leave it at that.

This way, your friend does not have to think of a response, and she won’t feel pressured to say something positive, or even anything at all. She can just say, thank you. Then, it would be up to her whether she wants to elaborate or not. She may even choose to change the subject, and that’s her choice too.

Sometimes, the answer to the question, how’s your mom doing? is difficult to answer, especially if the mom is not doing well. So avoiding the question and simply making a statement takes away some of the pressure.

Hearing from others helps.

Everyone will handle a family member’s cancer diagnosis differently. There is no right or wrong way to deal with the information and all of the emotions that come with it, but it does help to hear from others who have gone through something similar.

Like my mom always says, there’s no need to do any part of this cancer thing alone. And this goes for family members too.

 

If you have had a parent or other family member diagnosed with cancer, what advice or thoughts would you like to share? 

Who, or what, supported you? 

Lindsay authors the popular blog ThatMutt, your best destination to find cute dog photos and videos, dog product reviews and useful info on dog training and adoption. Check it out!

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What's it like when your mom has breast cancer? #family #mothers #daughters #cancer #breastcancer

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Then, why not share it? (Thank you!)

Linda C Boberg

Thursday 5th of May 2022

A lovely article. It pains me how much my cancer affects my children. They don't deserve this.

Nancy

Friday 6th of May 2022

Linda, It's hard when we know we're the cause of pain to our children - even when they're adults. Life is harsh sometimes, that's for sure. Thank you for reading Dear Daughter's article.

Diana

Wednesday 10th of May 2017

Nancy..your daughter is amazing and so thoughtful...your blog is so real and so honest! You touch my soul. Everything your sweet wrote is exactly how it is in real life. I try not to talk about it to my family. I just say I m ok now when I am not. My breast cancer has spreadto vatous parts of my body. I tried jormonal therapy Ibrance faslodex xgeva. I broke out in a horrible rash and was hospitalized for 8 days. I have spots on my spine. Next step Radiation. Thank uou forcaring Diana

Nancy

Friday 12th of May 2017

Diana, I agree about my daughter, she's amazing, as are my two sons. I am sorry to hear your cancer has spread. Perhaps talking with your family about things might be a good idea, but of course, I don't know your situation. The rash sounds horrible, too. Good luck with radiation. I do care. Very much. Thank you for taking time to comment.

joseph muita

Tuesday 12th of May 2015

Thank you for such lovely thoughts very informative

Nancy

Tuesday 12th of May 2015

Joseph, Thank you for reading.

Leslie Gotlieb

Thursday 7th of May 2015

I am printing this out to keep filed! So well written. Acknowledging that this is her (Lindsay's ) experience and everyone's is different and that it evolves with time and experiences, so smart and insightful! The part about being honest has been a big topic with my family. As my kids have grown they are very clear they know when something is going on and being honest and open is easier for them. Thank you for sharing this.

Lindsay

Friday 8th of May 2015

Thank you Leslie!

Nancy

Friday 8th of May 2015

Leslie, I'm glad you liked the post. I think most kids want honesty. Don't we all? Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing.

Beth L. Gainer

Thursday 20th of March 2014

Lindsay, you are an incredible, insightful young lady. I loved this post, which is chock-full of useful information. I particularly like your advice about making a statement instead of a question: I've been thinking about your mom lately instead of How's your mom?

Nancy, you raised such a wise, loving daughter. It's wonderful to see such a connection between mother and daughter.

Nancy

Thursday 20th of March 2014

Beth, Thank you from both of us!

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