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Gratitude Is Not a Contest

Gratitude Is Not a Contest

Gratitude is not a contest.

Gratitude is November’s theme. A fine theme, to be sure. But sometimes, does it seem like gratitude has been turned into some sort of contest? Do you ever feel pressure to feel gratitude in a certain way and feel badly when you don’t?

After a cancer diagnosis, some proclaim to appreciate life more. They say they’ve learned to slow down and take time to smell the roses. They’ve learned to prioritize. They’ve learned to appreciate the little things, to stop fretting the small stuff and so on. And yes, some say they’re more grateful.

What about you? 

Are you more grateful since your cancer diagnosis?

Some (including me) do not give cancer credit for such a thing. I didn’t need cancer to be a wake-up call. I didn’t need cancer to make me appreciate my life or my family. I appreciated them before. I appreciate them now.

Basically, today I am grateful for the same things I was grateful for before cancer.

Am I more grateful for these things today?

Maybe. Maybe not.

I’m not sure what is accomplished by saying we are more grateful today than yesterday, last year, or before cancer. There is nothing to prove.

Gratitude is not a contest.

How we look at gratitude, how we feel about it, and how we express ourselves about it varies from person to person, as it should. There is no right way to “do” gratitude either.

Like many things, gratitude evolves and fluctuates. It changes as we change, yes, but I cannot will not say cancer made me more grateful. I resist this idea. To me, it feels like yet another attempt to frame cancer as something positive, a gift even.

By now, you know how I feel about that notion.

Ugh!!

When you were a child, undoubtedly, your parents taught you to say, please and thank you. They most likely worked to instill in you a sense of gratitude. They wanted to teach you good values. This likely started off as you merely learning basic good manners. You learned appreciation for others, for things done for you and for things given to you as well.

You learned about gratitude.

Over time, gratitude takes on a deeper meaning. Some where along the line, it becomes more than just saying thank you.

Cancer or no cancer, gratitude can and should keep evolving.

Gratitude takes practice. Gratitude is something you do. This makes sense to me, “doing gratitude,” in other words, practicing gratitude.

Since my cancer diagnosis, I try to practice gratitude every day. But I did before as well. Some days I am not successful. But I wasn’t always successful before either.

We shouldn’t judge gratitude levels or feel guilty for those days when we don’t feel much gratitude, or at least not as much as we’re “told” we should. And yes, I have days like that.

What about you?

Maybe this is why I resist saying cancer made me more grateful. Perhaps doing so would make it unacceptable for me to have days when I do not feel grateful. I want those days. I need those days from time to time.

The important thing is not whether you feel more or less grateful than you once did.

The important thing is to feel, nurture and yes, practice gratitude whenever you can, whenever you’re up to it. And if sometimes you’re just not up to it, that’s okay too.

Because gratitude is not a contest.

If applicable, do you feel you are more grateful following your cancer diagnosis?

Do you ever feel pressured to feel or “do” gratitude a certain way and feel guilty when you don’t?

How do you practice gratitude?

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#Gratitude Is Not a Contest #Thanksgiving #November #holidays #givethanks

Note from Nancy: I wrote about cancer language, cancer worry, survivor guilt, loss, pet grief, COVID-19, DIEP flap surgery, life as an introvert, aging, resiliency, and more in EMERGING. Available at Amazon and most other online booksellers. Click on the image below to order your copy today!

How do you even start to emerge from a cancer diagnosis, loss, the pandemic, or any trauma? #cancer #grief #petloss #pandemic #trauma #womenshealth #familyrelationships

Beth Gainer

Wednesday 22nd of November 2023

Hi Nancy,

I am grateful to have survived cancer. My situation was such that my precancer life was worse than my post cancer one. Before cancer,I lived through a hellish marriage filled with me getting abused and neglected. I had no sense of self. While I never wanted cancer, and still wish I hadn't had it, having my life at stake made me finally file for divorce and finally put myself first. While I have horrid collateral damage, I have my freedom now.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Nancy

Wednesday 29th of November 2023

Beth, I hate how your marriage took such a toll and thank goodness you got out. But yeah, cancer, you could've done without that! Thank you for the good wishes. Enjoy the season with your sweet girl and thank you for sharing.

Mary Ireland

Wednesday 22nd of November 2023

Happy Thanksgiving, Nancy!

Before my breast cancer diagnosis, I was one of those who believed that the cancer survivor would automatically have a new lease on life. I even remember saying something similar to my husband when his sister was diagnosed.More fool, me.

I have yet to experience such an epiphany. No new lease on life, just, happily, LIFE, rather than the alternative.

This Thanksgiving, I am grateful for finally getting the right dosage of Verzenio, ensuring that I can enjoy the holiday season, its special foods, and a family mega-reunion at Christmas. All fleeting things, but people and food cover a multiple good things.

Best wishes to you and your loved ones, Nancy. Thank you for writing for all of us, even when it is hard.

Mary

Nancy

Wednesday 29th of November 2023

Mary, Thank you so much for the good wishes. No epiphany here either. Nor am I waiting for one. I hope you had a lovely TG and I wish you all good things this holiday season and beyond. Thank you for your supportive words, too.

Meredith Clark

Wednesday 17th of November 2021

After my first diagnosis, mastectomy and treatment, I felt anger most of the time. Barbara Ehrenreich was my voice, too, in "The unbearable lightness of breast cancer."

I went to one Komen race during those early days, did the walk, and my sign said "Cure it, damn it." Then I turned that anger into activism for awhile.

There are many wise comments here about gratitude and I agree completely. You have said it better than I can.

Lisa

Monday 17th of December 2018

I have taken a long time thinking about this post. I was diagnosed 5 and a half years ago with stage 4 grade 3 breast cancer. According to the statistics, I shouldn't even be here. I am grateful for that. It takes a lot of my energy to really say that I am grateful. As you all mentioned, I didnt need this diagnosis to feel that sense of gratitude in my life. I struggle every day with the side effects of my aromatase inhibitors. It's very tough. We all know what those side effects are. They are ugly. They have taken away my quality of life. I dont do one quarter of the things I used to do. I'm only 55 but feel so very old. Whenever I talk about these side effects there is a little voice that I hear in my head that makes me feel guilty for even talking about the negatives because I should just be grateful to be alive. But that's simply not enough. I want to be me again and I dont want to feel guilty about not being grateful every minute of every day. It all is a mental struggle all the time. How can I not be eternally grateful for still being alive?! It's because at the same time AI's have taken over the life I've saved.

Nancy

Wednesday 19th of December 2018

Lisa, Let me just say, I understand. Completely. Thanks so much for sharing.

Secret Agent Woman

Sunday 25th of November 2018

I've actually pondered this one quite a bit. My answer is that no - cancer did not make me grateful. I've always been grateful for even the little good things in my life. And if it did make me more aware (I'm a little more inclined not to sweat the small stuff these days), I'd honestly trade that insight if it meant not having cancer. But that's not a choice I got to make, so I'm just content to continue to practice gratitude when I can and also to allow myself to feel scared or sad or angry when I need to.

Nancy

Friday 30th of November 2018

Secret Agent Woman, Sounds like you and I think alike on this one. Thank you for sharing.