Hi Nancy, I admire your ability to ‘just suck it up’ when you were a guest in someone’s house. Then come home and write a blog post about it!
I just can’t do that. This ‘gift’ drivel sends me into immediate rage mode. Which is why I stay away from ‘alternative’ ‘Dandelion’ ethereal types, who seem the most likely to come out with it!

I agree wholeheartedly Nancy! Cancer is NOT the gift. The people, the friendships, the relationships, the thankfulness to be alive and to see the birds sing, feel the wind blow, smell the firs in the mountains for JUST ONE MORE DAY…THOSE THINGS are the gifts. It is those things that I am so grateful for that I perhaps was not as aware of before and am now so thankful for every single day.

My favorite response to the “gift” question is: “If you think cancer is a gift, you are not invited to my birthday party.” That’s from Shelley Lewis’s “Five Lessons I Didn’t Learn from Breast Cancer (and One Big One I Did).” I think that sums it up nicely!

Absolutely not.
Aunt taken by ovarian cancer early in life.
Seven year old kid of friends battling for his life after four transplants.
Friend down the street contemplating the use of a forty-five to shorten these last days.
No, cancer s not a gift.
It is an enemy that needs to be beaten.
It is a foe that needs to be vanquished.
Thanks for your post.
Greg

Bravo!!!!! You said it! If cancer were a gift, someone should be retaining the sales receipts, so at least we have the option of returning it.
Thanks for another great post that gets right to the point.
Susan

One of my doctors once told me the following while discussing this yopic during an appt. “If cancer has made you a better person, then you were a real @$$hole before you were diagnosed.”

Not a gift. Nothing to be grateful for. Bah humbug.

I am grateful for my friends and family and for the strength I’ve found in myself, but I didn’t really need cancer to show me these things.

I understand your perspective, but why the anger (rage?) at someone else’s perspective? If it’s their experience, why the strident energy against that?
If they were “angry” because you absolutely don’t see it as a gift that has nothing to do with your truth does it?
And I don’t see that if others say that it is pressure on me to feel that.
Seven billion different experiences happening here on planet Earth.

Nancy, I love this post and the tone it takes. It’s opinions like, “cancer is a gift,” that blinds some people to the reality of the disease. I’m not lucky to have had it, although, as you said, I’m grateful for some of the things that have come about. But, this gift needs to be stopped, it’s killing people. Enough with the sugarcoat. We can be grateful we’re still alive, but no one needs cancer for that. Ok, I’m going to stop. I’m getting annoyed now thinking about this. I know my mom and aunt didn’t think it was a gift and in those cases, cancer took from me. It didn’t give. Ok, truly stopping now! Good post.

With a great deal of sarcasm I call cancer the ‘gift that keeps on giving’. I also sarcastically put myself in the category of the people ‘lucky enough’ to get cancer. I cant think about it negatively or it would completely depress me.

For a period after treatment was over I called my breast cancer a gift. I think I was so relieved it was over and that I’d survived treatment and had a good prognosis. Everything then looked fresh and clear and I was so grateful. Now, cancer’s more like getting chewing gum on your shoe. Every step you take you’re aware you stepped in gum.

XOXOXO,
Brenda

I’m with Teresa above (and the originator of the quote, S. Lewis) about if one thinks it’s a gift then don’t come to my party. Somehow there is this expectation for us to emerge (if we indeed do) from the cancer experience as some kind of all knowing saint. The only gift I see from it is that so far, I got to survive. But to those who did not survive and their grieving friends and families, it is so insulting to consider this a gift.

OK, clearly in the minority here, but here goes…

While I completely agree, Nancy, that words matter, I do think that some of this (at least for me) is semantics. I get the gift part completely. As you have made so clear, I believe it is crucial that we respect one another’s need to frame their experiences in their own way, and I know I anger much of the blogospehere in which we both write when I do acknowledge that I relate to the “gift” part, and I have been, shall we say challenged, by others on a number of occasions.

I guess, for me, nothing is black and white…and it helps me to focus on the things I’ve gained. Waking up to mets every day, I don’t think I’m sticking my head in the sand or sugarcoating this experience. Nor do I think I was a bad, ungrounded, or shallow person before I was diagnosed. This is ONE way of stating that there are silver linings in even the worst of circumstances, and that I chose to embrace those rather than wallow in the fact that I am living with the disease. It is a shorthand, not for cancer itself, but for all that having cancer can open us up to.

While you took the time to state your feelings as just that (and thank you!), some of the responses reflect the sense that there is a “right way” to experience cancer. That part I find exceedingly frustrating and I fear it alienates some who don’t as readily find their voice as you and I do.

With love and respect,
Lori

Nancy…I agree with everything in your response. And I did not intend to imply that I thought anyone was wallowing, least of all you. But as I reread the comments, the hostility is disconcerting. Most of your readers don’t own their OPINIONS about cancer…they have declared it not a gift. Period. I LOVE the debate and trust you know that, but just as so many can’t accept that I may use the shorthand of “it’s a gift” for “I am grateful for the gifts that have come to me, and which I discovered as a result of having a cancer diagnosis,” I can’t accept that we keep using language that excludes. And maybe that’s my next blog post! Anyway…thanks for “hearing!”

Lori

Oh, my…I’ve blogged about this so many times myself. CSC, I entirely agree with your doc & have said much the same thing myself — that if you really believe that it took something as wretched as cancer to ‘make’ you a better person, what kind of wanker were you before?

The danger when too many people believe or interpret this kind of language too literally is that it can invalidate & silence the rest of us & our not-so-wonderful experience. It’s hard enough to get decent follow-up care for long and late-term treatment side effects, to get approved for disability benefits, to deal with mounting bills & shrinking income, without having to prove to friends and healthcare clinicians alike that our daily reality is not a gift at all.

It’s been a blessing to find out just how helpful my own cussed perseverance is, but I could have figured that out without cancer.

Oh I love my gift of Cancer. I love waking up with excrutiating pain in my joints that likely will never end. And lets not forget the red bow on the box of Lymphodema…. That just makes me dizzy with anticipation trying to find something that will fit over my left arm to wear….Last but not least neuropathy in my left hand….Having lost the feeling in half my hand 3 fingers pain daily. Yes Sireee Cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving, From this endearing gift I have had nearly 3 years of constant pain…. Good thing I don’t believe in re-gifting, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy….
I can not even fathom saying cancer was a gift I wonder the same too If it has changed you so much for the better, I can’t imagine you before..
But that is my opinion….tainted with sarcasm…. Love Alli xx

Hi Nancy,

It’s clear you’ve hit a nerve here with this excellent, controversial post. And I appreciate your point of view and your acceptance of the point of view of others.

I have mixed feelings. When I thought I was through with cancer (how naive), I saw it as a gift in that it really opened my eyes to enjoying life. However, as time progresses, I see that it’s not cancer that is a gift, but the awareness of important people in one’s life, and good quality life that maybe comes from having had/having cancer.

My friend died cruelly from the disease; it was no gift.

For me, I suffered and continue to do so from all kinds of side effects. I realize that this is why cancer itself is not a gift, but perhaps a catalyst that can help people realize their own blessings. Having cancer changed my perspective for the better. I left a bad marriage, have a great life with my daughter, and independence.

However, I can’t say cancer itself is a gift, but at the same time, I can understand those who think it is. Each person has a reality that belongs to him or her.

A great post, Nancy. I also find it impossible to see cancer as a gift, but am enormously thankful for the good things which have happened as a result. Now the tricky thing is, that because these good things would not have come into my life had it not been for cancer, how can I not be grateful?! It is a hypothetical and logically impossible scenario! I hate cancer. Yet I love many things which have happened directly as a result of cancer.

I guess the key thing is that we can’t change these things. Cancer has come into our lives. Good things have come into our lives. It is a case of acceptin, living with and where relevant, appreciating these things.

To me, this question about whether or not cancer is a gift reflects an overarching social theme in cancer culture, a force that sits above individual experiences and seeks to organize us, if you will. If there weren’t such pressure to take on a “positive attitude” and “transcend cancer” then people would have so much more latitude in how to get on with life in the midst of it. Since that latitude is missing in so much of the culture, we are almost forced to take sides. I think the range of responses here speaks to this. Human beings are resilient, and they suffer. This is cancer.

Much love,
Gayle

wonderful sharings here.
I sucked it dry, that cancer, and took everything out of it, strength and confidence included. Not a gift, ever, but a partner now clearly helping me getting stronger, so I find peace. Stronger will to make my way.
No anger ether, but no thanks. It just is and I’m okay with it.

thoughts for all ( i wish I could)

I have blogged about this (phrased differently) many a time. How I would take my old life back in a heartbeat, that cancer was not a life-changing, wonderul experience. I actually had someone ask, in all honesty, if all of the “good” wasn’t enough? Meaning, because ‘so much good’ happened during my experience, didn’t that make it okay that I had cancer?

Absolutely not! NOTHING made it worth my while to go through surgery, radiation and then have a stress reaction to all of that! It is not a gift to have to see doctors every 5 years when previously I was completely healthy! I wanted to up my life insurance, now that is up in the air (how’s that a gift?).

What about all of the bills and the financial concerns? I can’t live for the moment if we can’t pay our mortgage! I don’t understand all of this ‘bright side to cancer’. We weren’t supposed to have it, it kills some of us, it’s not a gift…end of story.

I just finished reading your blog and the comments you have received. I do not see cancer (or any illness) as a gift, but strictly as a challenge. I had to either learn and grow from my challenge of ovarian cancer, or let it defeat me. I chose to learn and grow by being an even better person; to help others more; to truly make each day special and meaningful; and not waste my time on the shallow and negative stuff.
A gift can be spiritual, physical or material. The most important gift is that of the spirit…who we are at our deepest level. Such gifts are to be used with loving intent. Here I am talking about kindness, generosity, fairness, and love.
Our gifts of a physical nature are what we are physically…tall, short, pretty, homely, pigeon toed, knock-kneed, and on and on. How we take care of our physical body and live our lives with it, is what is important. The world is a more beautiful place because we look and are different. We need to appreciate our own unique traits and characteristics.
Then there are the material gifts we associate with birthdays and Christmas. Hopefully these gifts are given in love.
So, for me cancer is not a gift in any shape or form, but just one of many of life’s challenges.

This is your best post yet! Awesome debate! I have not had cancer, but I’m still going to say that I definitely do not see it as a gift.

Cancer is not a gift. It’s not a “battle” and it’s not a “journey.” It’s cancer, and it sucks. Sure, it might make us more appreciative of life, family and so on. I’m pretty sure I’d rather be a bit less appreciative and skip the cancer part.

no, cancer is not a gift any one wants and I did’t want to find it under my Christmas tree. I do appreciate birthdays and holidays now with more gusto and I am not afraid of getting old. I want to get old and live my life. I appreciate the love of my friends and family, the winter night and the cold air. and the white snow glistening like diamonds in the night glow. No no gift of cancer

As you know, I agree with almost all of what you’ve said… I think you can live a very different life because of cancer; however, to call that shift a gift seems to minimize the agony of what may have transpired during treatment. Maybe it depends what kind of cancer, what treatment, what experience. Those are empirical questions to study.

The one thing I differ with is in reacting to the newspaper article. I absolutely agree that there is a time/place for such discussions and that may not have been it. But if that’s true, she shouldn’t have started the conversation in her home.

When things like that happen, I put on my best diplomatic hat and say, “thanks for sharing that piece with me. It’s completely antithetical to my own beliefs, but I’m glad you found it interesting.” I have gotten to the point in my life where I don’t keep quiet (most of the time… like you said, you made a judgment call about having a chat about it) about my disagreement. I usually say one or two sentences to let the other person know I disagree so that they see there is a variety of opinions and then move on (“I know this isn’t a good time to have a discussion, but I feel otherwise, we can talk about this another time if you like.”)

In my opinion, cancer is a call to battle. It’s a war that takes out the innocent bystanders as well as those at the front line. If you survive, you may well owe your life to people you don’t know doing things you don’t understand. You can be grateful if you live through it, and the experience may very well change your life for the better, but you’ll still be scared — and so will those who love you.

I have worked in a cancer center as a lab tech. I think that your comment that you do not think that cancer is a gift is true.
Cancer affects every part of a human being’s existence. Dealing with the physical part of healing and remission is very taxing,to say the least, A cancer patient is not able to keep up with the norm of pre-cancer. As a result, the cancer affects one’s emotional state which then affects relationships. As people, we all go through horrific things, but the gift comes after the small victories of finding deep inside us the strength to go on. The gift of encouragement you give others by just plugging along. You bless lab techs by just saying thank you for performing your lab work. You tells us of your struggles with chemo and we pray. You give us the gift of improvement.

From a religious/spiritual standpoint, it is standard to look for the good that comes from evil. If one didn’t do this, then how could one believe in a God/higher power who allows crap to happen? But cancer will always be a horrible disease no matter how many pink ribbons you tie around it. This “gift” is a box of crap. I do respect the fact that we are all “wired” differently. Some can just be more accepting or peaceful about having cancer. I’m not. I’m one of the angry ones. Just how I feel. Don’t foresee that changing. I told my husband that I don’t love him any more now than before my Dx…I already loved him with all my heart!

Enjoyed the article and want to share with you all my response when this “cancer is a gift” banality that some people pass of these days as an actual conversation

” So you consider cancer a gift do you. Well I believe in re-gifting – you know – passing on to others gifts I’ve gotten but don’t want – can I put you down as the #1 person to regift my cancer to then?”
Always followed by stunned silence and then a profusions of “I didn’t really mean it” to which I respond “then why did you say it?” Just turn it back on them and anyone with any sensitivity at all gets a glimpse of the horror at what they have just said.

Loved the pictures. Interesting discussion. I agree with Lindsay. No, cancer is no gift. I still have pains and I’m a 12 year survivor. Pain is never a gift.

The comment that always bothered me the most was when people told me how “brave” I was.

I wasn’t given a choice about my cancer — you can’t be brave without a choice. I did the best I could, that’s all.

A few people have hinted about the gift part, and wondered what sort of wisdom I have gained. I had to explain last night for a long time to a fellow guest at a Christmas party that I learned nothing, just that death is there. She thought that was wonderful. I have to learn how to phrase things better, I guess.

I call cancer the ‘gift that keeps on giving’. It has royally screwed up my health for the past 30 years. I don’t even know how to be a healthy cancer free adult as I never have been one. Anyone who calls cancer a gift is a blooming idiot who needed a big kick in the you know what to get their life in gear because they never realized what they had in the first place.

Oh, I enjoyed this post! And I enjoyed the commenter who referred to the “gift drivel.”

(Just found your blog.)

What I finally came to understand this past year (in the fourth year since my son’s death and in my own year of cancer)is that when people spout this nonsense (“I learned so much, I wouldn’t trade it, blah blah blah”), the implication seems to be that there has been some sort of even exchange, when there has not been any such thing. Of COURSE I have learned things, and even become more patient and loving – sometimes. But I have also become more terse and impatient at other times, and I would gladly unlearn it all.

I am a religious and spiritual person, and I always try to see the good. GIFT?? Oh baby!! It’s a good thing no one has tried to feed me that one. The very IDEA nauseates me. The concept angers me.

I am continually trying to accept this new aspect of my journey. GIFT? As if I had the option of saying, “No thanks…I’d rather mot.”

If this has been a gift, I want to return it…I’d rather have the cash. INSANITY! Is there really anyone who is grateful for cancer? Yes, I’ve learned things and met great people, but I’m not saying, “Cancer…YAY me!”

First time visiting, and unfortunately I found this post and comments. I can’t believe the slew of negativity here. It makes me sad.

It’s a gift if you choose to see it as such. Me, yes, I see the experience as a gift, a unique opportunity to learn things about myself. Many days I’m really having to reach deep to pull up the optimism, but I will continue to do so.

What’s the alternative? To rage against it, and as I see in many comments here to rage against people like me who choose to put the best possible spin on very ugly circumstances.

Instead I choose to take everything I can from the experience, to grow from it, yes to become a better person (and no I wasn’t an @$$hole before as one commenter states). Cancer absolutely sucks, but if you dwell on that it doesn’t help. Not one little tiny bit. If you embrace it and take it as a gift, then you can get something positive out of it.

That’s what I’m doing. I find many of the comments here offensive, folks that would speak bad of me for holding a positive attitude. Does this help you feel better?

Hi Nancy. Great question. I’m coming in late and catching up. i just wrote a blog about breast cancer being liberating and felt like an idiot after reading your and Rachel’s posts which made me double back to make sure i did not use the word “gift”. I did not and would not. “Grateful” – for the second chance and that i’m still here – that i can relate to. My diagnosis (and my oldest best friend) was the kick i needed to pull the stops out and do what i needed to do in life to really live. Take good care, my friend.

JBBC, Thanks for sharing my post in your round-up, Marie. I really appreciate it.