After a cancer diagnosis, you’re a better person, right?
Hmm. Not so fast. Cancer is a horrible disease not an enlightenment program. Yet, there is often an unspoken societal expectation that suggests a cancer patient should be transformed into a new and improved version of her/his former self following a cancer diagnosis. And if not, why not?
I know this expectation to be a better person post diagnosis is out there because this very thing was the topic of a support group meeting I attended a while back. (I go to more than one, so there’s anonymity here).
At the meeting, we went around the table and each person was supposed to state how she was now a better person post-cancer diagnosis. Immediately upon hearing that request, I felt uncomfortable and began fidgeting in my chair.
When my turn came, I couldn’t help myself. I went ahead and stated that I don’t think I am a better person post cancer diagnosis because, well, I’m not.
Everyone just sort of gave me one of those looks.
You know the look, the one that says; well, that’s not how you’re supposed to do cancer.
If truth be told, in some ways I’ve gone the opposite direction.
Physically, this is true without a doubt. My body has taken a dramatic hit in too many ways to count. My stamina has taken a hit; so has my strength, range of motion, weight, bone health, body image and hair, to name a few more.
Aside from the physical, among other things, I might very well be less patient, less willing to conform, more easily distracted and far too more opinionated.
I’m not the same person in many ways, but yet I am.
After my response, someone sitting next to me at that meeting then said to me, “Well, it must be nice to have always been such a good person.”
I’m not entirely sure what she meant by that, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a compliment…clearly we were not on the same page, or even in the same “book”.
And that’s fine.
I was never a nasty person, and I certainly don’t think I am now, or at least I try not to be.
Before cancer, I like to think I was a decent human being trying to do the right things, most days any way. I still try to live that way.
For the most part, people are probably not all that different after a diagnosis than they were before.
Sure, big changes come as a result of a diagnosis; we might learn, grow and adapt, but deep down does the core of who you were/are change all that much? Probably not.
And without a diagnosis, a person still (hopefully) learns, grows and adapts doesn’t she?
Before cancer, some people are saint-like, some people are jerks and most are somewhere in between.
The same is true after a diagnosis.
Cancer doesn’t necessarily transform you into a new and improved version of yourself.
The thing about this unspoken expectation is that it insinuates there should be some great life lesson to learn from having cancer. It implies there should be some great epiphany or sudden enlightenment about the meaning of life or whatever.
Maybe there is, but maybe there isn’t.
In my mind, this borders on the cancer is a gift thinking which frankly, is beyond my comprehension.
Perhaps it’s true, that after any life-changing experience, one might have a greater appreciation for life in general, or for the fragility of it anyway. Many attest to being more compassionate, less judgmental and more willing to reach out to others following a diagnosis. I like to think I am as well. Who doesn’t?
And it’s certainly true for many (me included) that after a cancer diagnosis things change dramatically.
But to assume somehow because of cancer you become a better person…I don’t buy it.
Somehow, this expectation feels like yet another cancer obligation a person is supposed to fulfill, and going even further, I think this expectation might potentially be harmful to a person’s well-being.
Cancer doesn’t miraculously make you better, or worse, for that matter.
You are who you are.
Cancer or no cancer, we are just people – all of us flawed, living and learning each day as we go along.
Hopefully, we all try to be the best person we can be each day. Hopefully, today and every day, we all try to be a bit better than we were the day before.
I say, let’s not give cancer credit for that.
What do you say?