Following your cancer diagnosis, have you been asked completely inappropriate questions, been offered equally inappropriate, not-asked-for advice or been on the receiving end of crude or just weird comments?
Who hasn’t experienced this, right?
Sometimes words sting. Cancer clunkers, that’s what I like to call crass comments.
Btw, I didn’t come up with the phrase cancer clunkers. Read a far better articulated piece on the origin (as far as I know) of this phrase by a fellow blogger titled, Klunkerland. Definitely worth a read.
And of course, we often hear words that sting when grieving too. Grief Clunkers. But that’s a different post.
You might want to read: Things People Say at Funerals. Or: Four Things Not to Say to Someone Who’s Grieving or Recently Been Diagnosed with Cancer
I’ve written about this topic before and sometimes figure, why bother to say more. But not everyone is where I am in this cancer maze. Or where you are.
For example, I had a message recently from a woman who confided that some in her family were saying what to her were insensitive things, minimizing her experience. Clearly, her feelings were hurt, and she was wondering what to do.
What to do – that’s what I want to talk about in this post. This is not a what to say or not to say post. It’s a “what do you do when you hear comments that bug you” post.
Usually, it’s assumed that people who say this stuff mean well, which is generally the case. And Cancer Havers certainly don’t want others tip-toeing around worrying all the time about what to say or not to say.
But when words that sting are said to you, this doesn’t mean you have to keep quiet, shrug them off and stew silently. No, it does not.
So, what should you do?
We’ll get to that, but first…
Here are a few Cancer Clunkers that have been said to me:
Well, at least you got the good cancer.
Did they have to take ’em both off?
God never gives you more than you can handle.
At least you get a free boob job out of the deal, that’s kind of a nice perk.
You’re gonna go bigger, right?
Everything’s back to normal by now isn’t it?
And here are a few clunkers others have heard and shared:
You didn’t need chemo, so you’re lucky.
You must’ve had the easy chemo since you didn’t even lose your hair.
Chemo’s not that bad now days is it?
Lucky you, you only had to have a lumpectomy.
I hear radiation is easy.
Funny, you don’t look sick.
Breast cancer? But you’re a man.
Breast cancer is preventable these days isn’t it, what happened?
You must have done something to cause your cancer (or cause it to recur).
Did you forget to have your mammogram?
You’ll surely beat this if you just stay positive and fight hard. (Can you imagine hearing this one when you’re Stage IV?)
When will you finish treatment? (And yes, this is said to stage IV patients. Talk about a clunker!)
You’ll be fine.
And the absolute prize clunker of them all:
People don’t die from breast cancer anymore do they?
I’m guessing you get my drift.
Sometimes it’s easier to remain silent and let crazy, half-baked comments slide right past you. Sometimes you’re feeling too vulnerable (or too tired) to speak up. It’s easier, at least in the moment, to keep quiet.
But like so many times, easier isn’t always better. Besides keeping quiet and stuffing down feelings takes energy too, and who in the throws of cancer has energy to spare for stuffing down and pretending?
Of course, we all pretend sometimes because we have to, but this isn’t about those times.
It also should be noted that most people do rise to the occasion and offer wonderful words of support. Those people and their words are gems. Yes, gems.
But what should you do when words sting?
Should you grant that free pass?
I could go on and on and say things like, it depends on the person, the situation and so on. But, I think we all know that. And I feel like being brief today. I know, go figure.
If someone says something you feel is out of line, you get to handle it your way. YOU are in control.
The way I see it, you basically have the following options:
Ignore. Inform, educate, enlighten. Or just let it rip. You decide. But you definitely do not have to keep quiet.
Free passes are optional. (Really, they are.)
Share a cancer or a grief clunker you’ve heard.
How do you generally respond to cancer/grief clunkers?
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A NOTE FROM NANCY: Read the first 20 pages of my book, Emerging: Stories from the Other Side of a Cancer Diagnosis, Loss, and a Pandemic, via my Resource Library where you can download them for FREE. Order Emerging in print or for Kindle at Amazon. Emerging is also available at most online booksellers such as, Barnes & Noble, BAM, IndieBound, Bookshop.org, and more. Reviews are greatly appreciated!
Adrienne Kushner
Thursday 26th of October 2023
My primary care doctor asked. "You're cancer free now. They removed it." I told him, "They did a bilateral mastectomy, but I will never be free of cancer. It is a shadow that will follow me until I die."
Meredith Clark
Thursday 26th of October 2023
@Adrienne Kushner, Another good example of how Breast Cancer Awareness Month has failed. Even some of our medical practitioners don't understand that we will never be cancer free.
Nancy
Thursday 26th of October 2023
Adrienne, Sometimes our medical people minimize our experiences more than anyone. And yeah, the shadow. That's a good analogy.
Helen
Friday 5th of May 2023
I'd had this friend of over 30 years, we met in year 7. When I told her of my diagnosis, she says "promise me you'll try Cancema cream first". Now for the uninitiated, 'Cancema' or 'black salve' is this pseudoscientific goop that alternatives spruik for removing skin cancers 'from the root' (yes, they use that exact term). Not one single medical practitioner will condone it's use. Considering what it does is burn the flesh away, leaving a scar, all I could do was bite my tongue so I didn't upset myself with the use of abusive language. I thought, so how would you use it for a brain tumour? Let it burn through your skull? Or liver, kidney, uterine, you name it? I know a man who used it on a skin cancer on his nose. He now has a permanent chunk out of his nose. I have read a true story about a man who lost his wife to breast cancer because she used this stuff, which of course burned a huge hole in her breast.
Look, I had my fair share of home remedies suggested, many quite comical. But this made me seriously question my friend's sanity. It was enough for my mother to completely blank her. I ended our friendship before long. I had just been given the toughest news of my life short of hearing about my father dying when I was 9yo. And this is the first thing she said to me.
Nancy
Thursday 11th of May 2023
Helen, Oh my, that was a horrible thing for your "friend" to suggest. No wonder that friendship ended. Thank you for sharing about that doozy of a clunker.
Mary S
Wednesday 3rd of May 2023
Oh my, thank you for this post! I had an ongoing argument with my husband about all this. He thinks, "But people mean well," that it all magically becomes ok, as in just fine. NO!
Funny though, the absolute worst things I heard were from 3 good friends. First, "Are you gonna die?" I was absolutely floored and speechless. Second, "Are you gonna turn into a man now, haha!" Again, shocked speechless, lastly "You have that cornfield behind you, that's the first thing I thought of!" What?!? I have a hobbyist corn field behind my house and I've only lived here for 4 years, and it took me awhile to even figure out what the heck she meant! I gather she meant that I was exposed to farm pesticides, uh, no, it's not sprayed, and even if it was, why would you say that?
Why would anyone say any of that? It has taken me awhile to forgive them, but I'm not very good at forgetting. No, they do not get the free pass. My husband thinks I am being way too sensitive, because they "mean well." Sure a strange way of expressing care and concern to me.
That doesn't even count the usual, "Stay positive !" remarks, ugh, that one chaps my hide as well. As if that's all that's needed.
Thank you, Nancy, cancer sucks!!!
Nancy
Thursday 11th of May 2023
Mary, You are welcome! Wow, those comments you heard were really crass. We might forgive, but forget? That might be a bit harder, for sure. Even if people mean well, that doesn't mean we are to keep quiet unless that's our choice, of course. Thank you for commenting.
Mary Ireland
Wednesday 3rd of May 2023
Hi, Nancy,
The first time I was told, "You are so strong! You got this!" I was puzzled. How could anyone know how strong I am? And yes, the comment is perceptive. They understand that I "got" breast cancer. (Haha, I know that's not what they meant, but I have a strong sarcasm gene.)
Since then, I don't even respond. The comment is ill-informed and ridiculous. What does the speaker think is strength? The fact that I am making informed decisions about cancer and undergoing surgery, radiation, and hormone therapy? For heaven's sake, that is doing what needs to be done, whether I like it or not - and I don't.
"Pretty soon, you'll be back to normal." Wrong. I will never be back to normal, back to my pre-diagnosis self. I will somehow learn to live with the possibility of recurrence, the fear of it; the anger that I got cancer to begin with; and, someday, the acceptance of a body that is missing one of its parts.
No matter how you look at it, having cancer is a shitty thing to have happen to you. No one "deserves" or "caused" it. It happens, and you do what you can, and take it a step at a time.
I vent in my journal, but I thank you for giving me a chance to contribute here.
Mary
Nancy
Thursday 11th of May 2023
Mary, Oh gosh, journals are great places to vent, aren't they? And yes, cancer is a shitty thing that no one deserves or should be blamed for. Thanks for sharing. Feel free to vent here anytime.
Meredith
Wednesday 3rd of May 2023
Four years after a Stage 4 diagnosis, I don't hold back much. To the woman who ghosted me after a 30 year friendship: I wrote a calm, not angry, letter expressing my hurt and disappointment. After that letter was sent, I was free of the resentment, free of her. To the nurse who said "It's important that you have a positive attitude.": I said "Actually, it's not. It won't extend my survival. But there are things that I'm grateful for." To some of the people who ask "How ARE you?": I say "I don't know how to answer that. This is hard."
My heart hurts for all of you who have commented here. Stop worrying about other people's feelings. Speak up - it's good medicine.
To my friend dying of ovarian cancer, I said "This is really shitty." and "People can be such stupid, insensitive jerks." My straight talk made her smile.
Nancy
Thursday 11th of May 2023
Meredith, Good for you for speaking your mind! Every situation is different, but I agree, speaking up can be good medicine. Not to mention educational for the person saying the clunkers. I'm sorry about your friend. I bet you saying "this is really shitty" meant a great deal to her. Validation is always a welcome thing to get/hear. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this one.