Since chemo, every day feels like a bad hair day! Yep. This one’s a little rant.
In by-gone days (this really means pre-cancer days), I considered two of my better physical features to be my hair and my eyes. Not that they were anything all that great, but they were two features I could work with.
Then along came cancer and chemo; suddenly, in addition to no more breasts, there was also no more hair and no more eyelashes. Oh, and pretty darn sparse brows too.
Losing body parts completely stinks!
The “lesser losses” like hair, lashes and brows aren’t much fun either.
In some ways, losing my eyelashes was harder than losing my hair because while I could plop a wig on my head whenever I felt I needed to or wanted to, my bare eyes were suddenly just, well, bare.
And I had absolutely no desire to attempt fake eyelashes. Plus, I was told the glue is often problematic for chemo patients anyway, and who needs glue problems when going through chemo, right?
When chemo ended, I often wondered “how long would I have to look like this?” I waited patiently for my hair to regrow.
I waited. And waited. Actually, I’m still waiting.
Things progressed slowly, ironically except in places where I didn’t want hair. Is that more than you wanted to know? Sorry.
Today, the hair on my head is nothing like it used to be. Nothing.
I hate to admit it, but when my family members and I go out, one of their jobs now is to check the back of my head for bald spots. If I’m strategic enough and if it’s not super windy, I can usually fluff things around enough to make do. Depending on where we’re going or if I’m out by myself, often times I simply resort to wearing a hat or cap because it’s easier and a whole lot less stressful than wondering what the person standing behind me in the checkout line might be thinking about my bald spots. (Do you ever wonder what they’re thinking too?)
As for my eyelashes, they remain pretty sparse as well. The art of putting on mascara now requires even more expertise to avoid that unattractive clumpy, stuck-together look. My brows remain sparse as well. Ugh…
You’re probably thinking by now that vanity is one of those deadly sins, right?
I know in the scheme of things hair, eyelashes and brows are insignificant, but still…
I miss my old hair, lashes and brows. I hate how cancer treatment took what I perceived to be my better physical features.
Since chemo, every day’s a bad hair day.
I miss the old me.
There I said it.
Again.
Rant over. I think I do feel a little better now.
What on-going side effects from cancer treatment are you dealing with?
What’s something you miss about your “old self”?
Do you have something you’d like to rant about?
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Since chemo, every day is a bad hair day!
Donna Funkhouser
Wednesday 13th of July 2022
Nancy, I agree with all of the above including nails. My nails, after 5 yrs now, will never be the same. They're cracked, peeling, usually broken off no matter how short I keep them, and just downright ugly! Along with the bald spots of hair, 3 eyelashes and drawn on eyebrows, my body image is not fabulous! However, thanks to mousse, hairspray, nail polish and eyebrow pencil, I guess it could always be worse. Still no eyelashes tho. Oh well, can't have everything? Thanks for this , I feel better too!
Nancy
Friday 15th of July 2022
Donna, My nails are okay, for the most part anyway. Interesting how we all feel some of these same body issues. I sometimes wonder if my eyelashes, brows and hair would have gone hay-wire if I hadn't had chemo. Would normal aging have been a bit kinder? Guess I'll never know. Oh well. You're right. We can't have everything. But ranting can sure help make a person feel better. Temporarily anyway! Thank you for sharing.
Nifferhead
Thursday 14th of April 2022
This post spoke to exactly what I've been feeling. I too really only liked my eyes and hair for features. After chemo, I went from straight long blond hair to mouse brown, short and curly. I hate it with a passion. I've never dyed my hair and have no desire to. I don't have any grey at this point, so I don't think it's worth the time and money. Really, I don't want to pretend to have my old hair, so dying doesn't solve anything. Everytime I look in the mirror, all I see is what has been taken. I no longer see myself. The other losses are easier since they're not literally in my face, like the scars or the neuropathy.
Brittany
Monday 3rd of July 2023
@Nifferhead, I stumbled upon this after searching desperately for some words of comfort or solidarity, and though I wasn't diagnosed with cancer until 12 days after your post, I feel I could have written these words myself. My pre-cancer hair was the only beautiful thing about myself, and I never realized how much I identified with it until it was gone. Losing the beautiful blonde hair I was so blessed with was hard enough, but having it grow back as the mouse brown I feel it is has been devastating. Others define it as a different color, but however you define it, it's not the platinum blonde I've always had. I also never dyed my hair as I was fortunate to have the color people dye theirs to be, and I refuse to dye or highlight it now because I do not identify as someone that does not nor do I have the ability to keep up with it. So, I'm working with what I have, but every time I look in the mirror, all I see is the same - everything that I have lost. It really feels like grieving, and in so many ways, this part of the cancer journey is the hardest. Thank you for your words - I hope you have found some peace and acceptance. I'm still searching for that myself.
Nancy
Monday 18th of April 2022
Nifferhead, I hear you. Boy, do I. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad this post resonated.
Lin
Friday 18th of June 2021
Not much hair, 35 permanent extra pounds, I stopped being athletic me.
Nancy
Friday 18th of June 2021
Lin, I hear you. Boy, do I. Of course, I was never athletic though. Thank you for sharing.
Kristie Konsoer
Thursday 17th of June 2021
I agree with every single word.
Nancy
Friday 18th of June 2021
Kristie, I'm glad you relate, but also sad that you do. I remember your hair post! So good. Thank you for reading and agreeing. :)
Carol A Miele
Friday 28th of February 2020
Microblading, permanent makeup, tatoo'd brows, gels, powders, dyes, on and on, ad nauseum! I never thought with my formerly thick dark brows that I would now be searching every ad that promises to thicken brows that have nearly disappeared. My hair, lashes & nails took a beating from chemo. At the time, I was just thankful to get my Stage 4 breast cancer into remission But now, over 9 years later, I am annoyed that I feel the need to fill on or draw on my eyebrows each day so I can at least attempt to resemble my former self. I don't like the wan look of my sparse brows...I look less energetic, a shadow of my former image I'm reluctant to do anything permanent, so I continue to use brow powder daily before answering the door or venturing out. I guess its part vanity, part loss of control of my life, and part longing for my pre-cancer self. I won't apologize for any of it! At this point, I've had to stuff too many feelings inside while I put on a smile I've endured too many losses of family & friends with MBC and other terminal conditions....and I've experienced too much pain and discomfort to be concerned with how others perceive me. I'm not bitter; I just feel I've earned the right to my feelings. I invite anyone to walk in my shoes, as that's the only way they could possibly understand. Thanks once again , Nancy for bringing up some of the sore spots and inconveniences of living with a cancer diagnosis
Nancy
Monday 2nd of March 2020
Carol, You have earned the right indeed. It means so much to know you understand. Sometimes, those of us who are not metastatic feel we can not mourn or talk about those things we miss. As Shelli wrote: "One can never fully understand the pivotal importance of brows and lashes until one loses them. Devastating. Not a point of vanity, but of basic sense of self." Love that so much. I miss her.