#UngratefulCancerPatient

An audio of this post is available via my Free Resource Library.

Last week, I read a terrific piece titled The Pressure of Survivorship by fellow blogger and Cancer Haver, @CancerCanuck, — that’s his Twitter handle. Even though this particular blogger is new to survivorship and I’ve been at for a while, I so related to his words. So much so, I’m writing this piece. 🙂 Hopefully, you’ll relate to both our pieces.

Double_Whammied, another fellow writer, friend, and Cancer Haver, replied to the above-mentioned piece/tweet I sent out and included the hashtag #ungratefulcancerpatient in her response.

I love that hashtag and plan to borrow it now and then. (Thank you, Diane.)

At first, I hesitated to use such a hashtag during November of all months — the month of gratitude here in the US. A lot of folks ramp up their gratitude writings, lists, goals and so on during Thanksgiving month. And that’s great. Believe it or not, sometimes I do too.

But maybe November is the perfect month to write about gratitude in any way, shape, or form. That’s what I’m thinking anyway. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments, if you want to.

After all, gratitude is complex.

Anyway — on to the topic at hand…

Here are the words of @CancerCanuck in that article that resonated most:

Gratitude is elusive

I should be thankful that treatment was an option. That I had a successful surgery. That I made it through twelve rounds of chemotherapy.

But here’s the rub: I fucking hated all of it. I’m pissed off and not grateful towards any of it.

Conversely, I am grateful toward all of the people in my life who’ve made wading through this hellscape a worthwhile endeavor.

I could’ve written those exact words; in fact, in one form or the other, I have. Many times. They are, more or less, the theme of my memoir: Cancer Was Not a Gift & It Didn’t Make Me a Better Person.

You might want to read: Another Year Post-Cancer Diagnosis — Still NED, Still Grateful & Still Pissed Off!

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Maybe I should be thankful to have undergone a bilateral mastectomy and too-many-to-count subsequent surgeries, to have endured chemotherapy, and all the other accompanying cancer fallout. But I’m not. I hated all of it, too. Still do.

At the same time, I’m grateful I had options. But, I am not thankful for the experience of any of it. Nor am I grateful for the worry, turmoil, and dark cloud cancer brought to my family.

My mother died from the f***ing disease, as have so many others I’ve come to know and care about over the past decade, so in what universe would I be grateful for anything related to cancer?

I am weary of upbeat stories from celebrities and others who proclaim to have sailed through mastectomies, chemo, radiation, and reconstruction now proclaiming to be proud of their new bodies and scars.

Quite a few even say they would not reverse their diagnosis if that were possible. (WTF?)

I would reverse my diagnosis and the rest of the cancer fallout that has ensued in a heartbeat if that were possible.

Also, I do not wear my scars (visible or invisible ones) with pride; I just “wear” them. And, I’m not a fan of that song/message: whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Ugh…

Of course, most folks penning upbeat stories don’t go so far as to say cancer is a gift (although some do), but still…if you frame something as so transformative in positive terms and say you wouldn’t “give back” or change your cancer experience, isn’t that really what you’re implying? (I’m just asking.)

I prefer stories that admit to the hardships of it all.

I prefer stories that allow for sadness, grief, and yes, anger about the cancer experience, including survivorship — which isn’t necessarily the “easy” part. Cancer (including survivorship) is hard. Cancer is loss. Loss requires sadness, grief, and anger, does it not?

I needed none of the cancer experience to appreciate life and my priorities. I needed no new lens to view life through. I didn’t need a wake-up call, or a reminder to stop and smell the roses.

I needed none of it, and I am not grateful for any of it.

I remain an #UngratefulCancerPatient, and I’m okay with this.

However, (or conversely, as CancerCanuck also said above):

I can’t end this post without professing a few cancer-related things I am grateful for:

• I’m grateful for the community of Cancer Havers and Cancer Care Givers that I’ve come to know and care about on social media and via blogging. (However, I would trade them all if it meant no diagnosis. Is that bad to admit? Maybe. Maybe not.)
• I’m ever so grateful to family and friends who have been there from day one and continue to be.
• I’m grateful to science for making it possible to remain NED.
• I’m grateful for health insurance for the same reason.

Can I be an #UngratefulCancerPatient and at the same time, be grateful for the above-mentioned things?

Of course. So can you!

It’s weird how not everyone in Cancer Land understands, much less appreciates or agrees with my perspectives on cancer. In some ways, folks like me are outliers. That’s okay.

Gratitude is elusive alright.

I am grateful but, at the same time, I’ll likely remain an #UngratefulCancerPatient.

I have a feeling there might be more of us in this camp than folks might think.

Perhaps you are one of them.

#ungratefulcancerpatient

#keepingitreal

You might want to read: Gratitude Is Not a Contest

and/or:

Did Cancer Make You More Grateful?

Thank you for sharing this post!

If applicable, do you sometimes feel like an #ungratefulcancerpatient?

Again, if applicable, would you reverse your cancer diagnosis if you could?

How do you feel about gratitude as it relates to cancer or other illness/challenge (any kind) you’ve faced—are you more grateful because of it?

Note from Nancy: I wrote about cancer language, cancer worry, survivor guilt, loss, pet grief, COVID-19, DIEP flap surgery, life as an introvert, aging, resiliency, and more in EMERGING. Available at Amazon and most other online booksellers. Click on the image below to order your copy today!