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#UngratefulCancerPatient

#UngratefulCancerPatient

An audio of this post is available via my Free Resource Library.

Last week, I read a terrific piece titled The Pressure of Survivorship by fellow blogger and Cancer Haver, @CancerCanuck, — that’s his Twitter handle. Even though this particular blogger is new to survivorship and I’ve been at for a while, I so related to his words. So much so, I’m writing this piece. 🙂 Hopefully, you’ll relate to both our pieces.

Double_Whammied, another fellow writer, friend, and Cancer Haver, replied to the above-mentioned piece/tweet I sent out and included the hashtag #ungratefulcancerpatient in her response.

I love that hashtag and plan to borrow it now and then. (Thank you, Diane.)

At first, I hesitated to use such a hashtag during November of all months — the month of gratitude here in the US. A lot of folks ramp up their gratitude writings, lists, goals and so on during Thanksgiving month. And that’s great. Believe it or not, sometimes I do too.

But maybe November is the perfect month to write about gratitude in any way, shape, or form. That’s what I’m thinking anyway. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments, if you want to.

After all, gratitude is complex.

Anyway — on to the topic at hand…

Here are the words of @CancerCanuck in that article that resonated most:

Gratitude is elusive

I should be thankful that treatment was an option. That I had a successful surgery. That I made it through twelve rounds of chemotherapy.

But here’s the rub: I fucking hated all of it. I’m pissed off and not grateful towards any of it.

Conversely, I am grateful toward all of the people in my life who’ve made wading through this hellscape a worthwhile endeavor.

I could’ve written those exact words; in fact, in one form or the other, I have. Many times. They are, more or less, the theme of my memoir: Cancer Was Not a Gift & It Didn’t Make Me a Better Person.

You might want to read: Another Year Post-Cancer Diagnosis — Still NED, Still Grateful & Still Pissed Off!

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Maybe I should be thankful to have undergone a bilateral mastectomy and too-many-to-count subsequent surgeries, to have endured chemotherapy, and all the other accompanying cancer fallout. But I’m not. I hated all of it, too. Still do.

At the same time, I’m grateful I had options. But, I am not thankful for the experience of any of it. Nor am I grateful for the worry, turmoil, and dark cloud cancer brought to my family.

My mother died from the f***ing disease, as have so many others I’ve come to know and care about over the past decade, so in what universe would I be grateful for anything related to cancer?

I am weary of upbeat stories from celebrities and others who proclaim to have sailed through mastectomies, chemo, radiation, and reconstruction now proclaiming to be proud of their new bodies and scars.

Quite a few even say they would not reverse their diagnosis if that were possible. (WTF?)

I would reverse my diagnosis and the rest of the cancer fallout that has ensued in a heartbeat if that were possible.

Also, I do not wear my scars (visible or invisible ones) with pride; I just “wear” them. And, I’m not a fan of that song/message: whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Ugh…

Of course, most folks penning upbeat stories don’t go so far as to say cancer is a gift (although some do), but still…if you frame something as so transformative in positive terms and say you wouldn’t “give back” or change your cancer experience, isn’t that really what you’re implying? (I’m just asking.)

I prefer stories that admit to the hardships of it all.

I prefer stories that allow for sadness, grief, and yes, anger about the cancer experience, including survivorship — which isn’t necessarily the “easy” part. Cancer (including survivorship) is hard. Cancer is loss. Loss requires sadness, grief, and anger, does it not?

I needed none of the cancer experience to appreciate life and my priorities. I needed no new lens to view life through. I didn’t need a wake-up call, or a reminder to stop and smell the roses.

I needed none of it, and I am not grateful for any of it.

I remain an #UngratefulCancerPatient, and I’m okay with this.

However, (or conversely, as CancerCanuck also said above):

I can’t end this post without professing a few cancer-related things I am grateful for:

  • I’m grateful for the community of Cancer Havers and Cancer Care Givers that I’ve come to know and care about on social media and via blogging. (However, I would trade them all if it meant no diagnosis. Is that bad to admit? Maybe. Maybe not.)
  • I’m ever so grateful to family and friends who have been there from day one and continue to be.
  • I’m grateful to science for making it possible to remain NED.
  • I’m grateful for health insurance for the same reason.

Can I be an #UngratefulCancerPatient and at the same time, be grateful for the above-mentioned things?

Of course. So can you!

It’s weird how not everyone in Cancer Land understands, much less appreciates or agrees with my perspectives on cancer. In some ways, folks like me are outliers. That’s okay.

Gratitude is elusive alright.

I am grateful but, at the same time, I’ll likely remain an #UngratefulCancerPatient.

I have a feeling there might be more of us in this camp than folks might think.

Perhaps you are one of them.

#ungratefulcancerpatient

#keepingitreal

You might want to read: Gratitude Is Not a Contest

and/or:

Did Cancer Make You More Grateful?

Thank you for sharing this post!

If applicable, do you sometimes feel like an #ungratefulcancerpatient?

Again, if applicable, would you reverse your cancer diagnosis if you could?

How do you feel about gratitude as it relates to cancer or other illness/challenge (any kind) you’ve facedare you more grateful because of it?

What does it mean to be an #UngratefulCancerPatient? Wait, is that allowed? #cancer #cancersucks #keepingitreal #breastcancer

Note from Nancy: I wrote about cancer language, cancer worry, survivor guilt, loss, pet grief, COVID-19, DIEP flap surgery, life as an introvert, aging, resiliency, and more in EMERGING. Available at Amazon and most other online booksellers. Click on the image below to order your copy today!

Chris

Tuesday 15th of November 2022

Another right on article!! I do have to say, I have now tipped the scale more to the grateful side; after saying that though, I hope there aren't many of you out there that could agree with me. Dealing with cancer since 1989; couple times with not too positive of an outlook; what I am grateful for is that I have lived long enough to be able to have new treatments, new drugs that have given me all this time; substantial parts of it with a good quality of life. Never was I grateful to the cancer nor did it ever make me a better person!!!!

Nancy

Thursday 1st of December 2022

Chris, Sounds like you and I are on the same page. Thank you for commenting. My best to you.

Sandy

Monday 14th of November 2022

I am a very ungrateful cancer patient. Was diagnosed in 2014. Underwent mastectomy, chemo, radiation, five years of estrogen blockers. I hated and resent every minute of it that I went through. I hated that my treatment was very "textbook" and did not allow for any variances. I hated the "upbeat" notebook that I was given following my diagnoses so I could record my "cancer journey". I detested being given a "certificate of completion" to hang on my wall after I completed my rounds of radiation, as if I had completed a basket weaving course. It was all horrible, and wrong, and handled poorly. I hate that I was so overwhelmed by the diagnosis that I could not think straight and did not have time to question everything and possibly do things differently. I hate that, after five years of estrogen-blocking pills which ruined my body forever, I was dropped from any medical follow-up unless I agreed to another two years of pills. I am angry that I was never fully apprised on all the wonderful side effects from these pills, and that I had to research and hear about it through the internet. I hated that some family members did not once ask how I was doing.

The only good things? Friends and certain family members who came through and were with me during my treatments. Who walked with me and listened to me. Who stayed a whole month with me while I had to go through radiation. These people are in my heart forever.

Nancy

Tuesday 15th of November 2022

Sandy, I hear you. On all of it. Thank you for sharing so candidly. #UngratefulCancerPatient

Julia

Thursday 10th of November 2022

Well said Nancy! I’m grateful for a lot of things but not cancer. How could anyone be grateful for it? I’d love to have lived without it. It’s taken so much.

Nancy

Friday 11th of November 2022

Julia, I'm with you all the way. Thank for reading and taking time to comment too.

Meredith

Thursday 10th of November 2022

You nailed it, Nancy. Thank you.

Nancy

Thursday 10th of November 2022

Meredith, Thank you so much. I'm glad this one resonated.

Linda C Boberg

Wednesday 9th of November 2022

Well, I am not grateful. Sometimes I get so angry that I take it out on the people just doing their job. Like the receptionist who said I was there an hour early. What? They called and changed the appointment and I accommodated their request to do so. After we got it straightened out, I felt so mean. That's when I know I am ungrateful. They are only doing their jobs.

Nancy

Thursday 10th of November 2022

Linda, Anger is a perfectly normal emotion to feel when you're dealing with cancer. And yes, sometimes we do take it out on the wrong people, but that happens. We're human. Don't beat yourself up for that receptionist encounter. And it was their mistake! I'm sure she understood your frustration. Other than some nice people I've met and remaining NED, I am not grateful for anything related to cancer. And I'm fine with that. Works for me.