Being a parent and receiving a cancer diagnosis at any age is hard. It doesn’t matter how old you are as the parent. It doesn’t matter how old you are as the child. Well, that’s not entirely true, but… When a parent is diagnosed, what do you tell the kids?
I’ve been on both sides of this particular cancer fence. I’ve been the “child.” I’ve been the parent. Being on either side is hard.
Even though I was of a mature age when my mother received her cancer diagnosis, it was still tough for me as a daughter to watch her go through diagnosis and treatment, and I’m sure it was hard for her to observe me watching her go through it. Even though her children were adults, she still wanted to protect us.
When my diagnosis came, I learned quickly what it was like to be the parent.
I was lucky in some respects because my children were not young children. Mine were young adults, the youngest being eighteen at the time of my diagnosis. However, they had just witnessed first-hand their grandmother’s illness and death from metastatic breast cancer. They already knew and understood way too much. Their knowledge was, and still is, a concern of mine. I worry they know too much because, in fact, they do.
When you receive a cancer diagnosis when raising young children, the challenges are much different, and I dare say probably more difficult, at least in some ways.
Having said this, there is no better time to get cancer. A better time doesn’t exist.
Cancer at any age or from any vantage point sucks.
When a parent with young children receives a cancer diagnosis, there may be a lot of uncertainty as to how much to tell them, or if they’re really young, if they should be told at all. Of course, this is a very personal decision. There is no right answer.
As an educator and a parent, I believe in being truthful with age-appropriate information when explaining to kids about cancer. If children are of an age when they can understand a simple but honest explanation, I believe they can and should be told at least some of the truth.
Kids are really good at figuring out when something is wrong anyway. They may hesitate to talk about their worries or be afraid and unsure of what to ask. They may keep such feelings, fears and questions to themselves, which may or may not lead to those feelings coming out in unexpected or inappropriate behaviors at some point.
As I’ve said before, not talking about something does not equal not thinking about it.
When feelings and fears are bottled up too long, they tend to come out eventually in some form anyway. Also, kids are really good at imagining things on their own if they don’t receive an explanation. Sometimes they really do imagine the worst when they don’t need to.
Don’t we all?
Giving kids enough information, but not too much, can help alleviate such tendencies.
When a patient is diagnosed with cancer, what DO you tell the kids?
Below are some tips for talking to your child/children about a cancer diagnosis. Obviously, I am not a professional counselor. These are just my suggestions.
1. Decide who is the best person to tell the child/children. This might be the parent with the cancer diagnosis, the other parent or another family member (or close friend) entirely. I left “my telling” up to Dear Hubby. I couldn’t bring myself to do it so soon after my mother’s illness and death.
2. Although there is no good time to break the news, try to pick an appropriate time to have the initial cancer discussion when you can devote the time and extra mental energy it will undoubtedly require.
3. Start with a simple explanation and then see what questions or concerns come up.
4. Take the lead from each child. Offer reassurance as honestly as possible and always give each child an opportunity to state their feelings and ask questions. They might need to process the information for a while, so be sure to check back in frequently.
5. You don’t need to tell every cancer detail, but don’t feel you must hold everything back either. Find the right balance for your family.
6. Remember each child, even in the same family, might need more or less information and that’s fine. It doesn’t always boil down to age. Some younger children might want and handle more information better than older ones.
7. Refrain from over-protecting your children. Kids can handle a whole lot more than we think they can. They don’t necessarily need protection all the time from the bad things in life and trying to protect them may, in fact, be more harmful in the long run.
8. There are resources available to help. Use them if you need guidance or suggestions.
9. Asking for help can be hard and sometimes asking for help after a cancer diagnosis can be even harder for some reason. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help if needed.
10. Tell yourself as many times as necessary that it’s okay for your children to see you vulnerable. This one’s harder than it sounds.
11. Don’t underestimate your children’s ability to cope, with your guidance of course.
12. Do the best you can. Remember parenting before cancer is hard at times. Parenting during cancer treatment is hard at times. Parenting when cancer treatment ends, or if you’re metastatic and treatment will be ongoing, will be hard at times too.
Being honest with children may help bring your family closer as everyone rallies together to help. Even young children are capable of exhibiting tremendous understanding, empathy and compassion. Sometimes we just need to allow them the chance to do so.
Each cancer diagnosis is unique. Each family is unique, as is each child.
Any family dealing with a cancer diagnosis must decide what’s uniquely right for them.
Is honesty always the best policy here too?
I think it is.
Have you had to tell children about a cancer diagnosis and if so, how did you go about it?
What has been one of your challenges parenting with cancer?
Have you been the child of a parent diagnosed with cancer?