I keep blogging because I am not done with breast cancer. I am not done with blogging about it either. I don’t even want to be done. Some might think such statements sound strange. Who wouldn’t want to be done with breast cancer and/or blogging about it?
I know that I will never be “done” with breast cancer. It will always be there, much like a lingering shadow. The experience is part of me; quite literally it is part of my DNA. Obviously, it is part of my past. The ramifications are part of my present. The threat is still part of my own and my family’s future. This is just a fact. Of course, I most definitely want to be done with rogue cancer cells within my own body. Those little bastards I wish to be totally done with. I am most grateful to be NED. I am. I hope to stay in the clear. But that is not what I am talking about.
The simple truth is that I will never be “done” with breast cancer because cancer is not a before and after life experience, at least not for me. I am not over it. I cannot just be done. While much of it is behind me, much of it is not, and never will be. I am not sure I even want to forget about it. Doesn’t matter; that’s not possible anyway.
Does this make sense to you?
I know it does to some and to others it does not, and either way you see it, is fine with me.
Quite often I see images on Facebook, Instagram and elsewhere with supposedly inspirational messages that say things like, you can’t open the next chapter (of your life) until you close the last one, or you can’t move forward until you let go of the past. Stuff like that. (why can’t I think of more right now?)
I don’t agree with many of such cliche pieces of meant-to-be inspirational advice on how to move on. They don’t work for me and sometimes I admit it, they make me feel like I’m doing cancer survivorship all wrong, but at the same time I know I’m not. I can only do things my way, as can you. Obviously, such messages do work for many; which once again, is totally fine with me.
This does not mean I am stuck in the past. I am not stuck in the past. I am not stuck in cancer, but it is part of my daily life for many reasons, some of which you know about and some of which I keep to myself for privacy reasons. Not mine so much, but my family’s.
Like I have said many times, this blog is my safe place to “talk cancer”. I want it to be a safe place for you too. I want it to be a safe forum where we can all share, rant, learn, support, lean on, advise, listen and just be there for each other.
I keep sharing about personal and not so personal stuff because I am still driven for whatever reason to do so. I continue to try to make a difference to others new to the cancer path and also to those who care about them. I keep at it because I care deeply about my sisters and brothers with mets whom I will never abandon. Never. That would be like abandoning family. I keep blogging because I want do something meaningful in my mother’s memory. I keep blogging because the pink machine is still going strong and I want to be a squeaky wheel that causes it some angst from time to time. I keep blogging because the topic of dying and loss is not one to be avoided, though it is a tough sell sometimes to even blog about. I keep blogging because you, my dear readers, are still like therapists to me. You are.
I keep blogging because doing so still feels right.
In a nutshell, that is why I am not done.
Where is one of your “safe” places to talk cancer?
Why are you still writing a blog or reading blogs about cancer? Or why have you stopped?