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Still Blogging…

I keep blogging because I am not done with breast cancer. I am not done with blogging about it either. I don’t even want to be done. Some might think such statements sound strange. Who wouldn’t want to be done with breast cancer and/or blogging about it?

I know that I will never be “done” with breast cancer. It will always be there, much like a lingering shadow. The experience is part of me; quite literally it is part of my DNA. Obviously, it is part of my past. The ramifications are part of my present. The threat is still part of my own and my family’s future. This is just a fact. Of course, I most definitely want to be done with rogue cancer cells within my own body. Those little bastards I wish to be totally done with. I am most grateful to be NED. I am. I hope to stay in the clear. But that is not what I am talking about.

The simple truth is that I will never be “done” with breast cancer because cancer is not a before and after life experience, at least not for me. I am not over it. I cannot just be done. While much of it is behind me, much of it is not, and never will be. I am not sure I even want to forget about it. Doesn’t matter; that’s not possible anyway.

Does this make sense to you?

I know it does to some and to others it does not, and either way you see it, is fine with me.

Quite often I see images on Facebook, Instagram and elsewhere with supposedly inspirational messages that say things like, you can’t open the next chapter (of your life) until you close the last one, or you can’t move forward until you let go of the past. Stuff like that. (why can’t I think of more right now?)

I don’t agree with many of such cliche pieces of meant-to-be inspirational advice on how to move on. They don’t work for me and sometimes I admit it, they make me feel like I’m doing cancer survivorship all wrong, but at the same time I know I’m not. I can only do things my way, as can you. Obviously, such messages do work for many; which once again, is totally fine with me.

This does not mean I am stuck in the past. I am not stuck in the past. I am not stuck in cancer, but it is part of my daily life for many reasons, some of which you know about and some of which I keep to myself for privacy reasons. Not mine so much, but my family’s.

Like I have said many times, this blog is my safe place to “talk cancer”. I want it to be a safe place for you too. I want it to be a safe forum where we can all share, rant, learn, support, lean on, advise, listen and just be there for each other.

I keep sharing about personal and not so personal stuff because I am still driven for whatever reason to do so. I continue to try to make a difference to others new to the cancer path and also to those who care about them. I keep at it because I care deeply about my sisters and brothers with mets whom I will never abandon. Never. That would be like abandoning family. I keep blogging because I want do something meaningful in my mother’s memory. I keep blogging because the pink machine is still going strong and I want to be a squeaky wheel that causes it some angst from time to time. I keep blogging because the topic of dying and loss is not one to be avoided, though it is a tough sell sometimes to even blog about. I keep blogging because you, my dear readers, are still like therapists to me. You are.

I keep blogging because doing so still feels right.

In a nutshell, that is why I am not done.

Not yet.

Where is one of your “safe” places to talk cancer?

Why are you still writing a blog or reading blogs about cancer? Or why have you stopped?

 

Still blogging...

 

 

Kathi

Monday 29th of September 2014

'I blog, therefore I am' is the first thing that popped in to my head after reading this. ;)

Blogs are our sacred space. I say this as one who has chosen not to blog much this year, because I'm trying to get that sacred space feeling back into my daily life and work life. It's a struggle every day still. For all of us, it always will be. Heaven knows, we'll never run out of things to say!

Love to you and happy blogoversary. xoxo

Nancy

Monday 29th of September 2014

Kathi, I love that thought that popped into your head. Blogs are rather sacred places aren't they? I am glad you are still blogging when you can and still reading and commenting on blogs others write too. Your voice is so unique, so precious and so very much needed. Thank you for stopping by and for the good wishes too. xoxo

Beth L. Gainer

Friday 26th of September 2014

Nancy, I totally get it. While going through treatment, I was naive to think I'd one day be "done" with cancer. However, 13 years later, and I'm not done. I feel safe commenting and blogging about cancer. I also blog to make up for years of being stifled -- when one has cancer, one's feelings of control go out the window. That control was taken from me, so writing helps give me a feeling of control, not over the disease, but of my feelings. I'm hoping this makes sense.

Anyway, I also blog to help others and to be heard. I keep telling myself I'll keep blogging, but about other topics some day. But I have plenty of material on cancer to still write about….

Nancy

Monday 29th of September 2014

Beth, Yes, you do totally get it and I am grateful for that. I love the safe place the breast cancer blogging community has created for writers and readers of blogs. And I am so glad you are part of it. xoxo

eileen@womaninthehat

Friday 26th of September 2014

After going through such an extraordinary experience as cancer, I could never forget, nor do I want to. I started blogging as my way to give back to the breast cancer community. What surprised me was how healing and cathartic it was for me to blog and the sense of community I found among other bloggers and commenters. I have experienced a lot of healing, but I continue to give back because I love this community.

Nancy

Monday 29th of September 2014

Eileen, This community loves you too, Eileen, and I know I speak for many in saying we are very happy you keep blogging. Thank you for reading and commenting too.

Mandi

Thursday 25th of September 2014

I kept planning on stopping blogging, but I keep going. It is my safe place to talk cancer, and I too am doing survivorship wrong. Although I am not NED, I am not officially mets either, so I am in cancer-limbo, and I have to talk about it somewhere. My husband needs quiet non-cancer time where we have a normal life. I have been trying to write about more things, we will see how that goes! :)

Nancy

Thursday 25th of September 2014

Mandi, It's nice to have a safe place to talk cancer isn't it? You are not doing survivorship wrong. Each of us does it our own way. It must be hard feeling like you're in cancer-limbo and yes, you absolutely have to talk about it somewhere. Keep writing about whatever you want to write about. We are out here to listen. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.

lulu change

Wednesday 24th of September 2014

You have a very realistic view of cancer and the impact it has on people all their lives. I thought I had put it behind me, but it turned out differently and I was not prepared.

Nancy

Thursday 25th of September 2014

LuLu, I do think of myself as a realist about many things, not just cancer. We can't keep trying to make something simple, pretty or easy when it's not. Nothing about cancer is any of those things. Thank you for reading and commenting.

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